life is a game.play your cards right.

perhaps, the last.

2009-09-07T14:03:00.005+08:00

my heart doesn't feel right. i'm not making full use of my time, and it seems worthless to me. it feels worst than leading a life with no purpose. all i can feel is the emptiness within. with everything around changing, i find myself unable to keep up.

maybe what i really need right now is to get myself a full-time job, to make me feel accomplished and complete. but will it, really?

a friend of mine fears that i might shut out from the rest of the world. i'm afraid it's happening all too soon.

i need time away from the world. maybe i'll disappear, till i decide to start anew.

the first step

2009-09-02T05:47:00.003+08:00

i'm glad i made that choice. i was half-hearted, and contemplated to leave. but in the end, i chose to stay. and i got through it. for that, alhamdulillah.

when a push comes to a shove

2009-08-29T05:47:00.007+08:00

when all your efforts are not being appreciated, when your time constraints are not being respected, when your requests are being treated very lightly - to the point that they don't even seem to care, when all they expect of you is to understand them but never vice versa, when you are being taken advantage of your silence and tolerance, when your words fall on deaf ears.

it's time to pick my legs up and walk away. i guess i won't grit my teeth for two more weeks.

the missing pieces

2009-08-27T13:19:00.007+08:00

just for another two weeks. i'll keep gritting my teeth till then before i decide my next move.

wan, mak long and mum says that i look better with tudung, though i honestly think i look weird and extra chubby. heh. mum adds that i look like a primary school kid. sheesh.

wan: "kau pakai tudung sudah, fie"

easier said than done. not yet i guess. i'mma cleanse myself first before i feel that i deserve the respect and responsibility of the headgear.

for the first time in my entire life, i almost blacked out yesterday. i fought hard not to close my eyes and eventually managed to fight it, because if i didn't, alamat nye abg2 CD escort aku gi hospital. hahaha. scary, but an adrenaline rush of experience. heeee.

better than before

2009-08-21T22:12:00.006+08:00

"bulan sya'ban menghapuskan dosa, bulan ramadhan mensucikan dosa"

alas, the favourable month is here. happy fasting, people!

between the two

2009-08-07T14:48:00.003+08:00

shit.

now i feel like going to Miami Ad School, instead of QUT. how? get a recognized degree, or take part in a specialised program? oh man, being in a dilemma sucks.

kau memang ah, fie! mentel! argh!

multi-purpose

2009-08-03T10:40:00.004+08:00

should blogs be a reflection of one's life? or should it be an outlet, in replace of a living confidante? or is it solely for the purpose of spreading an event, an idea, a news, or an opinion?

you don't always have a choice

2009-08-02T23:28:00.006+08:00

Maybe no one told you there was strength in your tears, so you fight to keep from pouring out.
- Kelly Clarkson.

so tonight, i will cry. not because i'm weak. but just because i need to keep it together before i face it. myself.

//sometimes, you hold on not because you can. you hold on because you have to.

sorry seems to be the hardest word? really?

2009-07-31T00:34:00.004+08:00

"You're Not Sorry" - Taylor Swift

All this time I was wasting,
Hoping you would come around
I've been giving out chances every time
And all you do is let me down
And it's taking me this long
Baby but I figured you out
And you're thinking we'll be fine again,
But not this time around

You don't have to call anymore
I won't pick up the phone
This is the last straw
Don't wanna hurt anymore
And you can tell me that you're sorry
But I don't believe you baby
Like I did - before
You're not sorry, no no oh

Looking so innocent,
I might believe you if I didn't know
Could've loved you all my life
If you hadn't left me waiting in the cold
And you got your share of secrets
And I'm tired of being last to know
And now you're asking me to listen
Cause it's worked each time before

But you don't have to call anymore
I won't pick up the phone
This is the last straw
Don't wanna hurt anymore
And you can tell me that you're sorry
But I don't believe you baby
Like I did - before
You're not sorry, no no, oh

You're not sorry no no oh

You had me crawling for you honey
And it never would've gone away, no
You used to shine so bright
But I watched all of it fade

So you don't have to call anymore
I won't pick up the phone
This is the last straw
There's nothing left to beg for
And you can tell me that you're sorry
But I don't believe you baby
Like I did - before
You're not sorry, no no oh

question: how do you know if he's really sorry or not? if he really meant it? if he really knew what wrong he did? will you forgive him? does he even apologise? will you forgive him even before he apologises for his mistakes? or will you forgive him even without him having to apologise?

being sorry isn't always about saying it. it's about meaning it; about giving your word.

//and i haven't heard from you since. i just don't know what to say about you anymore. guess i know where i stand. obviously.

so says the nurse who studied psychology

2009-07-30T23:58:00.004+08:00

"you often bite your lips right?"

"yes."

"can see ah."

"erm. is that a good thing or a bad thing?"

"it's a bad thing actually. not because it only makes your lips less prettier, but it also shows that you hide your emotions from people a lot."

yes, no prizes for guessing who's it. guilty as charged. heh. probably why my mum wants me to get myself a lip balm. hmmm.

thriller

2009-07-26T23:34:00.006+08:00

as we drove out, we passed by a flower farm (if that's what you call it). i randomly expressed that while it's sweet (if ever) of a guy to go all the way to a farm like that and buy fresh flowers for a girl, i thought it'd be a waste of money if that'd happen to me. simply because the flowers will end up withering in days to come.

so then he asked, "so what is it that you would like a guy to buy as a gift for you? something that would make you happy."

my answer was, "nothing."

"nothing?" he repeated.

again, i replied, "nothing," this time, with certainty.

personally, i don't think getting me something would make me happy. especially since i know that it's something i can get by myself. i earn my own money, i pay my own stuffs. so i don't see any need why anyone should get it for me, except for myself.

"i'm more of a place person. bring me to some place that can make me chill and i'd be happy," i continued.

yeah, that's it. just take me to a place that i've never been to, some place that would make me excited or in awe, or simply just a place that would make me feel at peace with myself - like Marina @ Keppel Bay - and i'll be jumping around like a mad monkey, smiling from ear to ear! hehe.

like seriously. bring me horse-riding (tak pernah seh naik kuda!) or stargazing. or maybe even go on a roadtrip or wherever's nice. i think that'd do. oh, having said that, maybe i was wrong about getting me something. i'd be more than happy if a guy gets me an air ticket to travel! LOL.

oh yes, for the first time after riding with my bro for don't-know-how-many-years, i finally had a thrill ride from him! akhirnya dpt rase die main corner! woohoo! gerek la abg! hehe. walaupun corner tak serendah si pendek tu, tapi okay jugak la kan. hehe.

for some reason, i can never ride with him. because i'm paranoid of what he'll say. that's why i'm not able to really follow him. which in turn frustrates him. which leads to a very boring, grumpy ride. but that wasn't the case just now! yayness! hehe.

a night well spent with my bro - just the two of us. it's a very rare occasion, you know. fyi, that was the second time in our entire life that we hung out together. honest! at least, that's what i remember. heh.

pak mat tempeh kene langgar motor car!

2009-07-23T04:05:00.003+08:00

Ezzad: * looks at trailers list* oh, ni Orchard nye.
Amalina: *takes a second to try to sink it in* ah betul ah aku dengar.
Ezzad: ape yg kau dengar?
Amalina: "ni makcik kau punye."
Ezzad & me: *laugh our asses off*
Ezzad: ape sak makcik kau punye. nak bbual psl makcik aku buat ape?!
Me: tu ah Ama. dengan penuh confident pulak tu ckp, "betul ah aku dengar". cukup time, salah jugak!

*burst into fits of laughter*

it's no bargain.

2009-07-21T11:37:00.011+08:00

i don't fight fire with fire. because it won't do any of us good. i could have been mean, but i chose not to. the only time that will happen is when the other party is a perfectly dim-witted moron who is only interested in throwing a bitchfit, refusing to calm his or herself down and try to solve things in a perfectly sane order.

so i chose to play water. and look where it got me. a certain invasion of privacy was felt, but i did it in the name of salvaging the friendship. was it worth it? only time will tell. all i know, was that it was the right thing to do - i hope.

of course, either ways, there's bound to be consequences. fire or water, the reaction will still be there. just of different outcomes.

now that that has been said, that aside.

i've got truckloads to say, but i shan't even bother. because i don't see a need to. like how i didn't see a need to reply your text yesterday, with regard to your "innocent" question.

yes, i am sensitive, and have been even more so lately. you might call it stupid, or petty for me to be upset over a little thing that you'd consider unimportant or ridiculously minimal to even result in this.

but it's not about that particular small slip - intended or not, on your part. it's about the little things that's been accumulated over the span of this friendship. i am tired of trying to be the one having to understand your plight. i am tired of being sworn to secrecy and be all discreet. it just doesn't makes sense to me at all.

for once, why can't you try to understand where i'm coming from? don't you find it hard? friendship isn't supposed to be. why then, am i feeling this way?

just so you know, i've not been made to feel appreciated at all. really, i don't. it's more like i've been taken for granted. because you know i'll be there. and when you don't need me, i'm simply being chucked aside.

so i guess in your eyes, i'm simply just a recycled paper. is that it? so it seems. well it's just too bad that i won't settle for that in a friendship.

from now on, things will be strictly professional. outside, we're just ordinary people. please don't pretend like you know me.

you know who you are. since you're so flustered every time i blog about someone, when the intended isn't you. so now i'm telling you straight - it's for you.

funny how you get scared and feel the pinch when i wasn't talking about you. but yet when i did, a couple of times, you fail to realise it and just shrug it off. guess i did a pretty good job at being discreet huh? well, you taught me that.

it ends here. i'm putting a stop to it.

dead end

2009-07-19T23:54:00.003+08:00

worth proven. you're a great disappointment. i've lost my trust in you.

so this is it; my final goodbye.

a salutation, with love.

2009-07-18T16:35:00.011+08:00

the beauty of the sunset is not by the view itself, but by the ability to feel at peace with one's self, and the surroundings.

this shot, was taken at the jetty at Yishun Dam. yes, you've been to the Dam a dozen times, but never knew this side of it existed, didn't you?

yesterday, while i was at work, i received news that a relative of mine just passed away. upon hearing that, i broke down in the office. we may not be close, but i felt the lost. because while he wasn't close to me, he was very close to my paternal family.

i am thankful that before he took his leave, i did get to spend some time with him, getting to know him, and listening to his stories of the kampung memories. very nice guy. funny, and friendly. everytime i went to his jetty, i feel at peace. yes, you read it right. the jetty is his.

what i admire about him the most is his love for the sea. his whole life, he's never worked. he earned his living by fishing, and believe me, that alone was what made him survive. he'd set out to sea, and bring home tons of catch. he'd make $500 (on average) a day.

a very strong man, he fought cancer to the very end. i was there to witness it, and honestly, i really salute his willpower. so his passing was no surprise. but there's a reason why i was sad.

see, a few weeks ago, i had a dream. a dream that i feared most. in it, i broke three teeth. according to folklore, it's a sign that someone's gonna pass away. i had three. so it means three deaths are gonna occur.

yes, i am freaked out. you cannot imagine how restless i've been these couple of weeks. my heart feels uneasy all the time. and i have more reason to feel it now.

so while i broke down yesterday, people got concerned. james and desmond were nice enough to ask if i was okay, and if i wanted to go home.

James: fie, you okay?

Me: yeah, i guess.

James: you want to go home or not? i have enough staff. if not enough also, i will make it enough, just for you.

Me: no, it's okay. i'll stay.

James: you sure? if you want to go home, just tell me okay?

that night, made me go awww. because i never thought the people at Cathay would pay much attention to me. and i felt very appreciated. james, shahruldin, aydah and vincent even cracked jokes just to make me laugh. so sweet of them. but the one who was being the most supportive was james. and for that, i thank him. and thanks for the hug, aydah! much appreciated. :)

so i met hadi and rusdi after work to have supper, though i ended up not eating (hilang selera). and again, they made me laugh, teasing me and all.

Rusdi: *got off his bike at the traffic light*

Hadi: di, asl kau turun?

Rusdi: tak, nak check tayar. takut pancit.

Hadi: oh, kau check kan tayar belakang aku pancit tak? mcm rase lain ah.

Rusdi: ah, org belakang kau berat sangat ah tu. (yg die maksudkan tu aku la! pfft.)

Hadi: ah tu ah. imam ringan pulak eh. adek die jek berat.

chet. ni name nye biadaps! dah kes kurang ajar dah ni! hmph! tak baik seh. fine la, aku gi kurus kan badan! grrr!

oh, and rusydi, asl tak dtg?! anti-social ah dini! hmph!

more Rives!

2009-07-17T00:48:00.003+08:00

HAHAHAHAHA! round of applause now, people! *claps & whistles*

the only thing that fell into place!

2009-07-16T22:32:00.005+08:00

Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince was great, albeit a lil disappointing. i hate the ending, especially. dangs. anyways, while the movie was great, the day and the rest of it wasn't.

don't ask.

but just when i thought i'd end the night feeling all fucked up, i checked my gmail, and saw something that i've been expecting for a month and a half now.

as some of you might know, i have internet connection problems so gmail just refused to open that particular email. until finally. i read, and i literally SCREAMED my hearts out!

here's what it wrote:

"Dear Nurul Afiqah,

Greetings from IDP Singapore!

Hope this email finds you well.

Congratulations!

Your application to QUT has been successful! Please find the letter of offer attached..........."

word's out, i'm going to Aussie baby! woohoo! i got my offer letter from QUT! i have waited oh-so-patiently for that piece of news, praying soo hard everyday, and alhamdulillah, my prayers have been answered. syukur alhamdulillah.

so i have now till December next year to save up for my uni. oh god, i'm excited already. 2011, please zoom fast!

okay, now i need to strictly save up and go on a strict budget. first, i need to get a job.

brace me up

2009-07-12T16:05:00.006+08:00

for the second time in my entire life, i cried in public. the idea of crying, itself, is what i dread most. what more crying in public. alone.

how long more can i take this? i don't know.

what i need most now, is the breeze and serenity of Marina @ Keppel Bay. nothing else. not Henderson Waves, not Marina Barrage, but Keppel Bay. that's all.

or maybe Bottle Tree Park will do. just, maybe.

ted.com

2009-07-12T01:50:00.003+08:00

HAHAHAHAHA. my new favourite on youtube! =)

warning: not for those with low/lame/matrep sense of humour. you definitely won't get your ass laughing if you are in those category. heh.

break talk

2009-07-11T19:30:00.007+08:00

Jason: *whispering to Thompson* the red sea run out of seawater ready.

Me: eh wahlau. disgusting sia you. people eating right?!

Jason: eh you know what i'm talking about ah?

Thompson: duhh. she's a girl leh!

*conversation continues.....

James: eh Jason, you need bread or not?

Me: HAHAHAHAHA!

Jason: huh? bread for what?

James: you don't know right? *turns to me* ni bdk2 kecik ni semua tak tau la. *giggles*

Me: hahaha. eh how come you know?

James: of course la i know. *smiles cheekily*

Jason: *asks Thompson* eh you know what they talking about not? what bread?

Thompson: no idea. but i have a feeling it's another word for pad.

Jason: eh fifi, really ah?

Me: *nods head*

Jason: huh? you mean last time they use bread to make the thing ah?

Me: WTF! NO LA! *guffaws*

Thompson: eh you damn sick sia. of course not la! disgusting la you!

Jason: then? why bread?

Me: because it looks like one! DUH.

Thompson: oh ya ah. kinda true also. never really noticed it looks like bread.

Jason: oh, i thought last time they stuff bread inside.

Me: your head la!

*thank god i was done eating by this time. only Thompson was left*

James: *walks in and asks* dorg dah tau?

Me: yup yup. dah tau.

James: so Jason, you want bread now? tastes like soup one. the one with milk. very nice.

Thompson: eh fuck la. i'm eating the soup now sia.

James: especially when it's red ah. like the tomato you know.

Thompson: i'm eating the tomato now la wahlau!

HAHAHAHAHAHA. kecoh or what. of all the things in the world to talk about during our 30 minutes break. of course, filtered here and there. hehe. and in case you were wondering, we did talk about other things okay? heeee.

you bet i didn't know

2009-07-04T03:29:00.005+08:00

1.30am in the morning, doing 3D closing with Vanisha and Ridhuwan, listening to MJ songs, and just yakking away about everything we could talk about. from MJ's death to his music, and skipping school just to go to his concert, and then suddenly, this:

Vanisha: isn't it Azahari's birthday today?

Me: yup. it is.

Vanisha: then why are you here, doing full shift? Why aren't you out with him?

Me: errr, why should i be out with him?

Vanisha: aren't you his girlfriend?

Me: OMG NO! what in the world makes you think so?

Vanisha: oh really ah? Zana (the manager) told me you and Azahari are together.

Me: are you serious? anyhow only she. no la. we're not together. we're just good friends.

Vanisha: oh, i always thought you two were together.

Ridhuwan: no la. they very close friends only. very long ready. since opening, i heard. her boyfriend is another guy.

Me: huh? who's my boyfriend? since when i got boyfriend ah? (isn't it weird for me to be asking people about MY personal life? heh.)

Ridhuwan: that time you watch movie with him, that guy.

Me: eh sembarang jek kau! tu kwn aku jek la! (though i still had no idea who he was talking about)

Ridhuwan: oh, then you and Azahari never develop feelings for one another before ah? sparks never fly?

Me: no la. should it?

Ridhuwan: no la. but you both very close what. then never like each other or take the next step?

Me: nah. Azahari not my type la.

Vanisha: why?! he's a very nice guy what. (sumpah she sounds like as if she's "promoting" Azahari)

Ridhuwan: ya lor.

Me: yeah, he is. but he's just not my type la. and he's still pretty much in love with his ex btw.

Vanisha: see, that's the thing about love. it complicates things. just fuck love la. being single should be the way man. enjoy while you're still young.

Me: jyeah! totally agree!

wah. suddenly everyone thinks i'm attached. if it's not someone from work, it's someone i was seen with. sheesh, people! still maintaining the record yaw!

it's a sign

2009-07-02T22:51:00.005+08:00

great. just great. from a size 'S' to a size 'M', and now, a size 'L'?!

darn it. i seriously need to lose weight!

SOS, people!

gravitational pull

2009-06-28T13:59:00.005+08:00

i dread the idea of having to pay for bills now. after a few months of using prepaid, i kinda got used to not having to worry about 'em bills. and now, since i've resumed back my line, i have to face the annoyance of paying 'em bloodsucking bills. oh, how i hate that feeling. it's sucking my pocket dry. especially when you get a pathetic pay every month. pfft.

intolerant

2009-06-18T11:01:00.005+08:00

having surpressed anger gives side-effects. you become quick-tempered and less tolerant of how things are going, or of how people are treating you. it makes you wonder about things you'd never think about when you're high, or in a happy mood.

i've never liked people taking me for granted; making me just an option in their life. it's not wrong to prioritise your friends - i won't deny that there'll be friends of utmost importance compared to the rest - but doing it all the time makes the other party wonder where he or she stands in your life.

just because i appear okay and bochap about certain things, it doesn't really mean i'd be okay with them all the time. i try to be understanding, but why is it that my feelings are not being spared of? understanding does not come from only one party, my friend. it works both ways.

i would understand - if only you would have given a thought to my feelings. really, i would. but how am i supposed to understand, when it's clear and obvious that you do not take me seriously?

when clearly, it's happened more than once. to make mistakes is okay. but to repetitively make the same ones? i cannot take that lying down. i just can't.

and i won't. people used to tell me that friendship requires effort. i never really knew what that meant. until now.

you are on the verge of losing it. whatever that you used to hold, it's diminishing. one more wrong move, and that's the end of it. you and i shall be of just acquaintances. don't expect anything more to come out of it.

so choose your next step. and be very careful of it. i wasn't kidding when i say the next wrong move will be the end of this friendship.

over-estimated

2009-06-08T21:29:00.023+08:00

the two gemini babies.

friday went great, though my temperature was rising. i had my fair share of playing around with lily's DSLR. actually, the DSLR was with me most of the time, since i was the main photographer for the day. hehe. Carousel really is a nice place to chill in. photos in Facebook yaw!

see! i told you she's hotter than me!

nice? sampai terbaring aku pat tangga tu korg tak tau! haha.

after high tea, went to wisma to shop! haha. talk about irony. muka aku shopping eh! lol. didn't spend much la. Cotton On was having a sale so i got myself 3 tops and 1 jacket at $35 in total. tempted to buy more, but nah.

lily piper asked if we wanted to join her to Le Baroque, but my head was getting too heavy. felt bad to decline the birthday girl, and the last time i went there was October last year, but what to do. org sakit kan. next time okay?! hehe.

woke up at 5am the next day and off i went to Tanjung Leman, Mersing! wasn't what i quite expected it to be. unhappy moments (on my part) and a lot of cock-ups. certainly not what one had in mind for a holiday.

and the place, well, let's just say it's a big disappointment to most of us who were there. i very much prefer Air Papan! seriously. i expected the toilet to be clean, but nope. it wasn't. then i was told the one at the jetty was cleaner, but it was worst! i saw a cockroach in the toilet! how was that cleaner?! pfft.

what is it with these people? not that i look down on the country. but, you talk about 'Malaysia Boleh' and wanting to move forward and all, but if you can't even take such simple matters into hand, then how are you gonna manage the bigger matters? i mean, hygiene isn't that hard to maintain right?! sheesh!

i got over the toilet issue later on. coz i remembered what Amirul told me - if i want to travel, then i have to live with it. i consoled myself by telling myself that the toilet wasn't so bad actually. you just have to wash away the pasir there. it's like your swimming complex toilet, except less clean and with sand. i still think the toilet at the jetty is worst though.

and if you think the beach was a place to die for, you're wrong. it's like east coast except that it's (a wee bit) green. which means it's slightly cleaner. but Air Papan still better! the water at Air Papan is so clear, that you can literally SEE the crab walking past/over your feet!

the only thing that lost Air Papan to Tanjung Leman was these rocks! oh, and super cool tree branches. hehe.

when we arrived, air tgh surut. so that's why you can see these rocks!

mcm pat gua eh? hehe.

i think this is the only decent shot mum took of me. heh.

wah. i look fat la seh!

biler la nak kurus?! haiz.

oh, i got the chance of a lifetime to lay on a hammock! deprived, i know. shush! hehe. and honestly, that was the best part of the holiday for me. facing the beach, breathing in the fresh air and tuning in to good music of course - thank god i brought my hp. almost instantaneously, i felt like i was better already and my temperature had gone down.

sudah ternyata, my mum sucks at photography. angle semua salah! haizzzz!

even with my direction, she still couldn't get the angle! give up ah aku!

the view at the jetty was much much breathtaking, i must say. they had nicer rocks. looks like those forest kinda hill to me. heh. but i couldn't snap a picture, no thanks to the limitations of my camera. sedih seh. sungguh aku nak DSLR! boohoo.

anyways, the jetty was a nice place to be at, especially at night. the wind blew so strongly, my mum literally fell asleep while sitting on the bike! haha. and there were no mosquitoes at the jetty!

back at our tents, i was bitten by tons of mosquitos. i had to rub 3 different types of ointment! even then, i was still bitten. all of my mum's friends were like, "habis. your daughter's blood very very sweet ready." haha. blood only? then the person not sweet? khekhekhe.

it was so bad, that they burnt fire outside my tent to keep 'em mosquitoes away, and one of them had to ride out and buy mosquito coils. awww. sweet nye korg. all attention was on me. hehehe.

a lot more happened, but i'm too lazy to type it out here. hehe. let's just say i've become an overnight celebrity over at mum's workplace. haha. *winks*

all in all, it wasn't so bad. i guess i had a bad start to the holiday which caused me not to enjoy it to the fullest. i wouldn't mind going there again, but with the right people. heh. why? cause i found out there were backstabbing gossip-mongers amongst the people who went. pfft. shall not talk about it though. hur.

next trip, probably st. john's island. hopefully. =)

practice makes perfect.

2009-06-04T23:18:00.007+08:00

it's only been three months, and i am falling sick again! to think that just a few days ago, i was talking to wani about falling sick and how i am the most prone to falling sick. haiyo. i hate that i am that unhealthy, alongside the many other cases that i have with my health problems. haiz.

BUT, as wani said, we should be grateful when we fall sick. according to her, falling sick is a way of being forgiven for your sins. so we should be happy when we do fall sick. i also remember being told once, that if we fall sick, it means Allah remembers us. awww. suka aku! thanks Allah. syg many2. hehehe. ;p

so anyways, i learnt in class today that i should practice my writing (tips - courtesy of the lecturer today). so since i have a blog, why not? where else could be a better place for me to be able to write freely? hee. so i guess i'll be updating on a more frequent basis from now? so i'm sorry if i'm gonna bore you even more with my nonsense. hehe.

oh, and she also mentioned writing short stories, screenplay and whatnots. then i suddenly remembered seeing this ad on Projek Cerpen, and how sore i was because i couldn't take part in the contest. all because one of the criteria was that i had to be a student, and since i'm an official graduate from TP, duhhh, i'm no longer a student la! sheesh. not fair!

moving on, a funny incident happened at work today. actually, two. hehe. one was involving my funny trainee on her first time on the walkie-talkie, and the other was when i was brutally mean to someone in the office that i think it secretly ripped his heart apart. khekhekhe. drama nye aku. haha. and i couldn't stop laughing. mean, but that's just me. hehe. you know i know eh azahari. *winks*

can't wait for the weekends! starts tmr though. hehe. am supposed to be working, but since i'm sick, i told them that i can't go for work tmr. so i'll be joining my mum and lily piper for high tea at Carousel. it's lily piper's birthday tmr! and she's still as hot as ever, with two kids - one just turned 18 last week. kalah aku yg anak dara ni. hurhur. i really need to lose my weight. like seriously. bleargh.

it's not about what you get. it's about your fight.

2009-06-02T18:33:00.012+08:00

"The Climb"

I can almost see it.
That dream I'm dreaming, but
There's a voice inside my head saying
You'll never reach it
Every step I'm takin'
Every move I make
Feels lost with no direction,
My faith is shakin'
But I gotta keep tryin'
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waitin' on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down, but
No I'm not breaking
I may not know it, but
These are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep goin', and
I gotta be strong
Just keep pushing on, coz'

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waitin' on the other side
It's the climb

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes you're gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waitin' on the other side
It's the climb

Keep on movin'
Keep climbin'
Keep the faith, baby
It's all about, it's all about
The climb
Keep the faith, keep your faith

it's playing on repeat in my hp's playlist. because that's exactly how i'm feeling right now.

p.s kak fizah, this song goes out to you! insyallah, you will get your chance in the near future. =)

anticipating a disappointment

2009-05-29T21:07:00.005+08:00

you know when you have this deep passion for something, and for the longest of time - from as young as you could ever remember, you've wanted to realise it. you wait for the right moment to come. and when you thought the moment has finally come, reality takes it toll on you and you realise that the wait is not over.

money is the root of all evil.

a month ago, i was highly anticipating the arrival of 10th June. i took it as a step to achieving what i've been desiring to do all these years. but all that got washed away in a split second. not because of non-approval from parents, or time constraints, or commitment issues. but because of money.

it just sucks right out of me that for the number of days i've put my time on work, and the return that i get for it, is much less than it's supposed to be. for the same amount of effort i put in, i could, no, definitely will, earn a lot more. it's time i left the company.

DBS called me this afternoon. insyaallah, if everything turns out fine, i'll be leaving Cathay for good. and i really hope it's soon. been patient long enough.

on a side note, my bro's hooked on Mafia Wars. no, he doesn't have a Facebook account. he uses my account to play it. sheesh. it's as if i'm sharing my account with him. oh wait, am i not already? hurhur.

that's what bestselling authors do.

2009-05-29T00:29:00.005+08:00

"Mom..." My throat was raw. I had to swallow between words. "That woman...? What was she saying?"

She gently lowered my shoulders. "Forgive."

"Forgive her? Dad?"

My head touched the earth. I felt moist blood trickling down my temples.

"Yourself," she said.

- For One More Day. by Mitch Albom.

the most daunting regret one could ever have is when one finds it hard to forgive one's self. truly, another one of Mitch's great work.

and it is while i was reading this book that i finally realised why i love reading.

truth unintended

2009-05-23T22:27:00.012+08:00

1. stop wallowing in self-pity and bring yourself down to self-misery. nobody cares because you brought it upon yourself. you chose it that way. so the consequences are yours to bear. sure, the flaws are visible. but wait, don't you have yours too?

oh no, hold on. i still can't see where my bad was. *rolls eyes*

perhaps you should learn to put yourself in others' position. we all have our own lives to lead, our own battle to fight, our own priorities to juggle and we certainly don't have all the time in the world. get that in your head. jot it down if you must.

2. do yourself a favour. get a grip of yourself. no, get a life instead. grow up. the only reason you're doing what you're doing is because of the guilt you have deep down. conscience eats you up like no other, and it's consuming you in whole.

your mentality is unhealthy and it's making you look like a complete joke. you let paranoia get in your way because the one who messed yourself up is none other than you, and you think just because you did such despicable acts, others would too. wake up. here's a reality check for you - it doesn't work that way.

well, here's a solution. face it. deal with it. admit it. there's no point running away and feigning ignorance, and make a nuisance out of yourself by channeling your cowardice on others. because already you've ruined yourself. be nice now, and don't ruin others' lives.

3. like number 2, you, too, should get a grip. get a grip of yourself, and your life. it's time you do something about this. you're in this position because you let yourself be in it. you refuse to deal with it. you refuse to stand up and have your say.

there's nothing wrong with giving in. but giving in too much, to the point where someone else is taking control of your life? obviously it's taking its toll on you. that's whack.

for fuck's sake, open your bloody eyes! i just hope that by the time you do, you won't lose half the people you don't intend to. because i foresee that you are on the brink of that end. and it won't be much of a surprise.

4. if you're gonna be that much of a busybody, then you might as well go for a sex change and turn yourself into a woman. there wasn't a need to. fucking mind your own business. don't create trouble for others when others have done nth to harm you.

5. if any of you think either one of number 1-4 is you, then think again. no need to perasan jubz okay? my life doesn't revolve around you. and even if it is you, then siapa mkn cili terasa pedas. kapeesh? you deserve the knock on your head anyway. *smirk*

there's soo much more to let out. but i'll leave it till here. as always, i practise filtering of contents. heh.

and for the record, if any of you are not happy with this post, so be it. it's my blog. you chose to read it. so screw you okay?

school-sick

2009-05-21T23:56:00.014+08:00

at that moment of time, i wished i had a DSLR with me, or at least, a Canon G10. hehe.

that is how the view from the 22nd storey of the NTUC building looks like. awesome? oh, you have no idea. haha. wait till you see the office (Microsoft Advertising). heh. sumpah aku mcm nak keje pat situ. hehe.

somehow when i sat through the first lesson, i found myself paying attention the entire time. it's either i miss school that much, or the lecturer was really very engaging. heee. probably the latter. hehe.

yeah sure, i wanna go back to school. but right now, money seems to be the issue. damns. and taking up such courses acts as a way of relieving that feeling again.

but what i experienced was on a whole different level. in fact, i somewhat found it better than it was in school. though i have no idea why.

honestly, i really felt like i learnt soo much more. more than what a school would have taught me. heh.

yes, i'm sure this was the right decision. i'm sure there won't be any regrets. i'm sure it's my platform. and yes, i'm sure it wasn't a waste of money.

i foresee myself taking up a few other courses offered by IAS, though i know it will burn my pocket in whole. but hey, anything for the sake of school, and portfolio. hehehe.

i told you so! grins

2009-05-21T13:48:00.015+08:00

KRIS ALLEN WON! YAY! eat that, faiz! i told you he'd win. HAHA. see, i was right! wahahaha. *guffaws*

i don't deny that Adam's performance surpassed his yesterday, and that the song Kara co-wrote was a lil high for him, but i agree with what Randy said; that the song suits him more than it did for Adam. heee.

btw, cair babe dengar dia nyanyi "Ain't No Sunshine". hehehe.

i'm glad he won. he deserves it. really, if you take a good look at all his performances the entire season. he's unique, fresh and true to himself. i love his renditions! especially when he sang Kanye's "Heartless". who would have thought huh? haha.

and his creativity and versatility is what the industry needs. oh, and like what Kara mentioned, his courage and boldness too.

that's why he's the dark horse. the dark horse always makes it. hehe. *winks* go Kris go! i support you! hehehe.

status quo

2009-05-15T21:18:00.007+08:00

You are single and enjoy it that way...

You are a respectful person but shy away from sexual activity and relationships. You have no desire to have a companion at the moment and are happy alone. When asked out on a date you always respond with no. Your independence is most important right now even if it is alone. You enjoy having privacy and do not want anyone you have to answer to. You completely block out feelings that might lead to companionship. Being alone is not so bad in your eyes and you actually enjoy it.

just another one of those quizzes i took on Facebook. heeee. *grins* yes, it's true that i don't want to have anyone to answer to. been that way all the time, and i guess i'm not ready for a change. heh. i guess that's why i've been single all my life? hehe.

being single is love yaw! hehe.

more than one thing can happen in a day

2009-05-12T19:59:00.013+08:00

two incidents happened today. the first is embarassingly complimentary - oh, you'll see why - and the second is furiously infuriating to the extent that i would have committed murder if it was legal and justifiable!

so here's the thing, i went to cheers during my break because Amin wanted me to buy ciggarettes for him. sumpah aku tak paham asl bdk2 cathay pemalas nak turun or walk all the way to banquet. sheesh people!

anyways, it didn't strike me that my IC was actually with my mum coz i left it with her on sunday. until i reached cheers and the lady at the counter asked for my IC.

"oh shit. my IC's with my mum. can i show you my ezlink instead?"

*turns to her senior and asks. the lady said no*

"but i'm turning 20. really. ezlink asl tak boleh? ade birth date jugak"

"sorry dik, die betul2 nak IC jugak"

and i walked off. bloody hell. die tak percaya ni muka aku dah legal. pfft. aku tgk wayang M18 dorg tak check IC pun! pfft. at that moment, i really wished i had my license already so that i wouldn't have had to be in that state.

the funny thing was, when i was in the lift, i suddenly remembered i had my PDL with me! *smacks forehead*

eh wait, buy ciggs tunjuk PDL boleh lepas ke? *kening naik2*

my colleagues laughed at me when i told them the incident. but they told me to take it as a compliment - that the lady was unintentionally telling me that i look young. wth. i am young, hello. sheesh. i know la you guys jealous right? hahaha.

well, i had my migraine attack again at work today. i have no idea why it's coming back again. suffered from it yesterday, and it had to come again today. sigh.

if that by itself wasn't already bad, then a customer just had to fuck my day up. i was serving this bloody faggot and being damn nice despite my throbbing migraine. he was smiling and all, seeming pleased with my service. until i brought him the nachos he ordered.

when asked to rate my service before i cash out, he rated me as poor. i was shocked, and i thought he had keyed in wrongly. so i deleted the rating and just cashed out. then suddenly, the faggot threw into a bitch fit.

"this is ridiculous. your nachos serving is miserable. do you have a standard for your serving?"

"yes sir, our standard packing is 90g per pack."

*idioticly took a moment for the reply to process into his head but unfortunately couldn't deliver*

"this is miserable. i don't want it. take it back. i want a refund."

initially, i was like, "another one of those sickening customers" and went into the kitchen to call Vanisha for refund.

and you know what? this bloody faggot had to create a stir and asked Vanisha the same question again! did you not understand that out standard serving is 90g? are you that dumb? *rolls eyes*

".........blabber blabber shitass, comparing nachos serving in other theatres and more shit...... this is miserable"

"well, i'm sorry that you feel that way, sir"

any person in the right state of mind would know that was sarcasm thrown right in your face. but nooo. bloody faggot was too stupid to even understand Vanisha's insult.

you know what, bitch? YOU are the one who's being ridiculous. rating me "poor" for a fucking bloody mistake i didn't make! FUCK YOU! may you die a miserable death and rot in hell. kene langgar lorry taik pun bagus ah kau! fucking gay. kecik2 tanak mampus, dah besar menyusahkan org! KNN.

okay, fie. breathe. serafal byk2. wushaaaaaa.

it doesn't feel like insomnia. IT IS.

2009-05-10T14:05:00.006+08:00

it's been 2 months. life seemed to have passed by so quickly that we lose track of time, and the people we love. we live our lives day to day, taking in what life has to offer us one step at a time. yet, at the back of my mind, it exists within me subconsciously.

i dreamt of arwah atuk, and the moment i woke up, i knew i had missed him greatly. to be dreaming of him, and nenek being able to walk (she's bedridden now) and nag at me just like she used to. i knew that was the life i've missed badly.

the house seems pretty quiet without arwah atuk around. and nenek is suppressing her feelings still. dark rings around her eyes are becoming darker now, and she keeps wiping her eyes every other second. in a day, she'd use up 3 boxes of tissues, at a minimum. and when everyone's sound asleep, she'd still be awake.

there's definitely something going on in her mind. i just wish i knew.

mere coincidence, perhaps?

2009-05-07T23:13:00.003+08:00

i was just doing this quiz on Facebook on Birthday Secret and this was what it said about me:

What Your Birth Date Reveals About You!

Nurul Afiqah Bte Azali, birthday date : 12
--------------------------------------------
Being born on the 12th day of the month is likely to add a good bit of vitality to your life. The energy of 3 allows you to bounce back rapidly from setbacks, physical or mental. There is a restlessness in your nature, but you seem to be able to portray an easygoing attitude. You have a natural ability to express yourself in public, and you always make a very good impression. Good with words, you excel in writing, speaking, and possibly singing. You are energetic and always a good conversationalist. You have a keen imagination, but you tend to scatter your energies and become involved with too may superficial matters. Your mind is practical and rational despite this tendency to jump about. You are affectionate and loving, but very sensitive. You are subject to rapid ups and downs.

Abraham Lincoln, Winston Churchill, Rudyard Kipling, Mark Twain, Joseph Stalin were born under the number 3.

chet. ade ke patut aku disamakan dgn Stalin? history alert! hurrr.

is this true? i have no idea though i would very much hope for them to be true. heh. why don't you readers tell me if it is or not? hehe.

oh, and this bit, "good with words, you excel in writing, speaking, and possibly singing." I really do hope i'm good in writing. i have yet to write my own book! hurhur. and singing? hmmm. i could only wish. it's a dream yet to be fulfilled. heee. *winks*

next in line

2009-05-06T23:28:00.005+08:00

"they say that in life, if you really love or like someone, and when you break up or things don't work out, then your next one will tend to have a resemblance to that person."

HAHAHAHA. well, i only have this to say: dangs, he must have liked me a whole lot. LOL. ;p

mirror image

2009-05-04T22:01:00.004+08:00

we point our fingers at others and we judge them for their actions. we label them as a result. but we don't stop to take a second look at ourselves; that we are just the same.

we judge someone in a way we do not wish to be judged or looked upon as. and how others treat us in a way that we don't fancy. we fail to realise that at some point or another, we too, do upon others as others do upon us.

expectations. they either make you, or they break you.

2009-05-04T14:59:00.007+08:00

"eh btw, don't be shocked when you meet me tau. coz now i short hair. hehe."

"really? so am i gonna be pleasantly surprised or horrifyingly shocked?"

HAHAHA. oh yes, what's new anyway. i keep cutting hair, i might as well shave it bald (so says starshea. lol). but wait, what's new is my hair! duhhh! haha.

i'm supposed to keep my hair long, and i know i said that the last time was gonna be the last time i'm cutting my hair short. but i just couldn't resist cutting my hair again! haha. gawd, i sound like a druggy. lol. no really, i couldn't resist cutting my hair. it's a form of therapy for me. hehe.

i have no idea if my current hair works for me. i like it, though i got bangs when i requested for side swept bangs. chet, is it soo hard to fulfil my wish? sheesh. anyways, i kinda realised that short hair makes me look chubbier. mcm tak cukup tembam gitu eh aku. haha. now i know why mum doesn't like me with short hair. heh.

want me to take a picture and post it here? not a chance! muahaha. not anytime soon la eh. maybe when i meet up with friends. hehehe. *bluek*

told you i'm forever young! hehe.

2009-05-02T02:53:00.003+08:00

OMG. two of my colleagues couldn't believe i'm turning 20 this year. they thought i was 17! lol! i feel sooo young! oh wait. i AM young! wakakaka. i'm forever young rmmbr? point proven. hehehe. ;p

trailers, like looks, can be deceiving.

2009-05-01T16:38:00.014+08:00

so i finally sat my ass down to settle stuffs that i was long supposed to deal with. called up singtel to find out how the hell did my bill shoot up to $600+, which is totally ridiculous coz i don't use that much in the first place! found out that there was a $350 charge (excluding gst and whatnots, mind you) for termination fee. pfft.

there was no way i was gonna terminate my line and pay that hefty sum of money. buang duit aku jek! hmph. so i was told that if i wanna reconnect my line, i should just ignore the charges and pay off the rest, which is an odd $100+. now that's more like it. that's more me. hehe. before you get the wrong idea, i don't splurge a hundred odd dollars on my bills per month okay? it happens only when it's accumulated. hehe.

with that in mind, i'm gonna pay off the balance once my pay gets in at the end of may. and then come August, mama will terminate her line and use my line. so please dear friends of mine, do keep in mind that i'm no longer using 9721**** anymore.

i think i'll just stick to prepaid from now. it's more value for money. there's auto-roaming services too, so it's much easier for me. hehe. so yes everybody. i've changed my number! for those who don't have it, do approach friends whom you think might have my number. hehe. actually, only very few la hor. people like starshea, nasri, amirul, wani, adilah, wan, azahari. and a few others. that's about it i think? heee.

so with bills off my list for now, i can finally strike off another thing off my to-do list. i finally rented my graduation gown! weehooo! i am finally graduating! sungguh tak percaya. haha. poly was one of the best days of my life, aside the carefree days in secondary school. hehe.

but year 2 was the highlight of the whole 3 years coz of subjects like radio production, audio production, single camera production and multi-camera production. and my favourite of all was obviously radio production! haha. *winks and nudges wani* hehehe.

and year 2 was when i met wani! if only we met in year 1, my gpa wouldn't have been jeopardized. sigh. and i would have enjoyed my freshmen year more. oh, and i wouldn't have gone to Synergy Leader Camp alone if i'd met her much earlier. wasted seh. haha.

oh man, i'm gonna miss TP a lot! omg, i can't believe i just said that. haha. padehal masa year 1 tak sabar nak graduate. sampai nak quit halfway. you didn't know that, did you? yes, i almost gave up and wanted to switch course. haha. skrg dah graduate, rindu pulak. ish ish. hehe.

so now all that's left (if i rmmbr correctly) is my article deadline! oh god, i seriously have no idea if i'm doing the right thing or not. if this is worth it or not. if this is what i really wanna do. interests change. and i think mine changes quite fast. heh. my whole life, the only interest in me that has never changed is music and singing. haha. but that's beside the point la eh. i'm talking about career path now. heeee.

so i guess it's good that i'm not going for uni anytime soon. i think it'll not only give me time for me to save up (60K oei. sape mau bagi? heh) but it'll also give me time to decide if i really wanna do journalism.

i don't wanna have to go through regrets again. i mean, i kinda regret going to TP's CMM instead of NP's MCM when i qualify coz NP's more of my kinda thing, and i feel that the modules taught covers more than TP's does? i feel like i lose out a lot man. damns. but what's done is done. so what i have to do now is to not go down that path again. and this time, we're talking about a degree? so it's really important!

btw, i've decided on Queensland University of Technology's Bachelor of Creative Industries instead of doing a double degree from Murdoch's. QUT offers more diversity and there's creative writing as a co-major, which is something i'm really interested in. more expensive, but it's the learning that counts. :) i just love the course structure! hee. let's just hope my interest doesn't change again! hehe.

oh yeah, i watched horsemen while i was at work yesterday. hehe. lepak pe. bukan selalu okay aku gaji buta. *cheeky smile* it was okay la. wasn't quite what i expected. i mean, the trailers looked good. really good. but when i saw the movie, it just didn't deliver. i wanted more to come out of it, but that didn't happen. storyline and all was good. but like i said, i was expecting more. oh, and ending merepek nak mampus. anti-climax siols. heh.

and X-Men Origins: Wolverine was okay too. blockbuster movie, full houses and all. but it wasn't a fantastic one. i very much prefer X-Men: The Last Stand. the visual effects were all too obvious in Wolverine. pfft.

soo many movies to watch. hehe. yes people, i'm regaining back my title as Queen of Wayang! hehe. been a long time. so who's with me? heee. ;p

roadtrip!

2009-04-17T00:14:00.046+08:00

it was worth my off day. though it was a short trip, it definitely was a great escape. the best part was, it was totally unplanned.

well, we were supposed to go to Ubin, but Amirul suggested going to Malaysia (padehal member baru balek KL. tak jelak2 gak nye). i was already excited about the whole Ubin thing, but i was crushed (drama nye aku) because the three of them wanted to go Malaysia.

see, the thing was, i was supposed to go JB with my family at night. so it'd be pretty stupid if i enter twice in a day kan? heh. furthermore, i wasn't sure if my parents would allow it. plus, i was flat broke. sheesh.

don't know why, but itchy me smsed my mum and tried my luck. asked my mum if my passport's with her coz i couldn't find it at home! and she asked why. the only excuse i could think of was that Amirul wanted to fill his tank, since he was driving yesterday. always works for bro everytime. so why not kan? petrol in Malaysia cheaper what. hehe. surprisingly, my mum was okay with it and told me it was on the computer table in her room.

so off we went to Malaysia. first stop: Kenny Roger's at Angsana for brunch.

yes, for those who don't already know, i cut my hair and it looks hideous. will repair when gaji masuk. heee.

it tastes better than it looks! hehehe.

when we were done eating, we had no clue where to go next. let's face it, JB is the place where makciks and housewives shop, not us teens. heh. initially, in my heart, i was like, "i knew we should have gone to Ubin". hehe. no offence guys. but then i suddenly remembered Kota Tinggi - dah lama tak mandi air terjun oei - and asked Starshea if she brought change of clothes. well, she didn't.

so discussed some more, and Nas suggested Mersing! and that was it! off we went to Mersing, though all of us didn't know the way there. hehe. but that's what made it exciting right? i mean, how often do we get such an adventure - with the exception of Amirul? hehe.

drove for 2 hours or so, and we finally reached the place! sumpah semua jakun nak mampus (minus Nas coz he's been there before). the view was simply breathtaking!

we're almost there!

alamak, sibuk jek Amirul!

our destination!

lovely, isn't it?

muka tak maintain seh kau.

i told you so!

the four of us!

pure excitement!

yayness!

happy kids!

lo and behold, starshea's masterpiece! lol.

she insisted on piggybacking me!

and the rest of the pictures are with Nas! or in Facebook, i think. hee.

apparently Mersing is at the east coast of Malaysia. compare our east coast to theirs! seribu kali lagi cantik kan dorg nye! haha. i tell you, my dream home would be something like that. by the beautiful beach. hehe.

oh wait, before we get too excited, i have yet to explore tioman and the rest of the beautiful beaches in the world. heee. hopefully, insyaallah.

anyways, everything was perfect and i loved it. though the toilet was not in my favour la hor. the bilik mandi is okay la. i don't mind. but the toilet cannot flush. so you'll have to pour lots of water to "flush" it. traditional way yaw. imagine if you shit there, how many buckets of water must you pour. eew. i don't wanna imagine. haha. oops. sorry to those eating while reading this. hehehe.

so left at around 5 plus, and we headed to Giant Xtra. woohoo! burung puyuh and ikan tiga rasa yaw! hehe. suka nye akuuuu! sedap kan, Starshea? hehehe.

upon our return to Singapore, dearest Starshea and Nas didn't wanna go home. amboi. suka eh korg stay out. sungguh menjadi-jadi. hehe. so off we went to Yishun Dam. lepak-ed and chilled, till about 11 plus and we set off for home.

dad asked where i went and i actually told him the truth; that i went to Mersing. he was kinda shocked, but he wasn't angry at all. seems to me like my parents are giving me more freedom. hmmm. must be Australia and Uni. not forgetting me being at home if i'm not working. hehe. good girl tau aku. khekhekhe.

all in all, it was the best day of my life. hehe. we should have more of these! heee. next stop: Kota Tinggi and Tioman, guys? cheh. bbual mcm aku byk duit eh. haha. insyaallah la eh. heee.

no longer the one

2009-04-06T14:18:00.004+08:00

you've changed a great deal. you used to matter, but now, it seems to me that you don't anymore. because you showed me that i never mattered.

the hurt you inflicted this time, is much more than the last. first cut is the deepest, yes. but you just made it deeper than it already was.

the old me's dead and gone.

2009-03-31T14:36:00.021+08:00

it suddenly struck me that i'm slowly becoming a person void of emotions. all the heart aches and disappointments. they seem alien to me.

remember how i used to say that i can forgive someone for every wrong doings, but i can never forget how i was made to feel?

it came to me last night that, that is no longer true. i used to think that every time i reflect about an incident in the past, i'd feel how i was made to at that point of time. all the feelings would come back rushing to me. like, somewhat relive my feelings.

last night, however, wasn't the case. i remember how i was made to feel. still do. i remember how i cried. i remember how i angered. i remember every single emotions and reactions to any particular heart aches and disappointments. but what felt foreign to me was that i couldn't exactly relate to how i felt.

the feelings didn't come rushing back. i didn't feel how i was made to feel, like how i always used to.

to a certain degree, all that i felt was lost somewhere. perhaps it ended there, when forgiveness settled in, when i finally let go.

maybe this is what they call forgive and forget? hah! took me 19 bloody years to finally learn and embrace that. heh.

it just irritates me you know. i'm jobless. and cashless. and uncertain about my future. of all the time in the world, i just had to be on this journey of self-discovery - like as if things are not a handful already.

the deaf and the dumb.

2009-03-30T18:39:00.009+08:00

it's been a week and i'm still sick. how "convenient". pfft. and 19 years (sorry hor, i'm still very young. still a teen. hehe) of my life, this was the worst ever. my voice decided to perform a magic trick on thursday night. yes, you guessed it. i lost my voice. you know how it works. when you talk, you sound like you're squeaking or worst still, whispering. yeah, that kinda thing.

my mum and bro were teasing me all the way about the loss of my voice. sheesh. my mum actually turned to me and said, "eh, you no voice, no need to talk okay? just keep quiet." so kurang ajar. pfft.

and abg was worst. if any of you has watched Cinta U-turn, or maybe even Ong Bak (i think), then you'd know of the machine that those ppl who have some disease in their throat and rely on dunno-what equipment to project their voice or something. abg actually teased me about that! he said i sounded the same. and whenever he turned and talked to me, he'd pretend he had that machine on his throat and talked in that voice. pfft. extra biadapsss.

then on friday, i totally lost my voice. the moment i opened my mouth to talk, i'd actually start tearing. best thing was, i was the greeter for the day! baik ah. how to greet when i got no voice, you tell me. heh. so nice and sweet Glen gave me the best job in the world! he passed me the programme compo and all i had to do for the whole 7 hours was to check the halls for the shows! gerek pe! that was his job la actually. but since i couldn't do anything and i didn't wanna go home (it'd be a wasted trip to work then. sheesh), that was the only thing i could do.

why the best job? because after i've checked the halls, there'd be an interval time until the next showing time. and while waiting for that, i was lepak-ing in the office with Kak Eida and Glen! wooo! gaji buta or what. hahaha. but heck la. it's not always i get to chill and lepak at work what. haha.

oh, and Glen was so sweet to treat me to Luo Han Guo (some Chinese herbal drink) in order for me to get my voice back. hehe. suka aku! khekhekhe. and he also treated me to Polar's Eclairs. hehehe. =)

moving on, my dad checked the letter box today and he said SPF sent me a letter. or package, rather. my dad told me to sign with SPF because of the stability and all. considering, but not sure. can you imagine me being a police officer? lol. kecoh la seh. haha. the only thing attracting me to the force is the license bit. free oei. sape tanak. haha. and i'm interested in the Traffic Police or the Coast Guard department. NPC mcm boring jek. hehe.

but then again, i'd have to attend a 6-month training course. sungguhlazy.com la hor. hehehe.

and i told my dad that if i sign, then there's the bond to fulfil. i have yet to decide if i wanna pursue my degree or not. now i know that the SPF will subsidise 50% of the course fees, and that's a lot. but the thing is, i wanna go overseas. i want a different experience. a different life. and i don't want to be bonded.

there's so many things to consider. others are already taking the next leap to their life while i'm still stuck not knowing what to do. sucks balls la eh. sighs.

part of growing up? definitely not what i was hoping for.

2009-03-26T15:03:00.005+08:00

now is the wrong time to graduate. i just hate that i'm unsure of which path i wanna take. one thing's for sure; i need to have a full-time job and save up for my degree. then again, i'm rethinking my options. i may not get myself a degree in the long run, afterall. just maybe.

i was so sure of pursuing journalism and radio. but now, i'm having second thoughts. it seems as though i don't know my interests anymore.

i'm lost. and it sucks big time. argh.

change of heart

2009-03-13T13:04:00.007+08:00

for some reason, the feelings just fade away. how i used to feel, they're just not there anymore. i guess this phase i'm going through makes me realise that i'm not commitment-material kinda person.

for the times you've been there, thank you. i really appreciate it. i do.

for this to be happening (and everything else), i'm sorry.

this memory lives within me for always

2009-03-09T22:10:00.070+08:00

Thursday, 26/2/2009, about 4.30am.

He got up from his bed and went to the toilet for wudhu', without switching the lights on.

Mak Long: bapak, bapak nak sembahyang ape, pak?

His reply was, "aku nak sembahyang asar."

noting the time of the day, in the dark, he was able to move his way around. and how could it be possible that it was asar he saw when we clearly knew what time it was? he wasn't senile. never was - despite being 92 years old. so why then was asar his answer?

Friday, 27/2/2009.

He went for his scheduled check-up. Because he was complaining of breathing difficulties, the doctor admitted him and got him checked. Turns out that his lungs were 1/4 filled with fluid. still, he was able to talk and sit up like he always does. he even wanted to eat oranges. oh, how he loved them. veggies and fruits were always his favourites.

later in the evening, he fell into a deep sleep, and that's when things took a turn. he never woke up. not even for a single moment.

...........

his condition worsened day by day, but he was still fighting. 92 years of age, and he was still fighting. oh, how strong a man was my grandfather. even when he was old and fragile, he kept fighting for his life. everyday, people came to see him. not a single day passed by where he would be left alone.

as i prayed every day for his recovery, a part of me didn't let me take things for granted. i went back and forth to the hospital to visit him whenever i can. i wasn't of much help, i admit. but i just didn't want to risk anything.

he started having fever, and the fluid was already going up to his brain, causing internal bleeding. blood clot was discovered. and the doctor informed us that he actually had lung cancer, stage 4. no one knew. it was soo sudden. just out of the blue, cancer was diagnosed.

nothing could be done. he was old. medication wouldn't help. in fact, it could worsen his condition. a surgery was out of the question either, because he doesn't have the stamina to see through the whole operation.

Sunday, 8th March.

everyone was rushing to the hospital because the doctor said that his brain wasn't functioning, his heart was weak, and his fever reached the highest - 40.5 degrees. i was kinda irritated by the fact that the hospital didn't give him an ice pack, or that jelly tingy to put on his forhead. instead, we had to bring our own towels and had to constantly keep it wet. pissing shit, i felt like burning the bloody hospital down.

all of us had one common mistake. we were naive. the doctor told us that his condition could probably last a month, judging from his age. i, for one, had hoped for things to get better. little did i know, that it was a huge mistake on my part.

at 6.11pm, my grandfather took his last breath, and took his leave. he was done fighting. the time had come for him to return to the Yang Maha Esa. his death was peaceful. he wasn't struggling or whatsoever.

"die pergi dengan tenang. muka die berseri," Kak Ina said. Alhamdulillah syukur.

a whole lot of us were not there during his final battle. only few saw him fight till his last breath. some of us went for dinner. some went for a smoke break. i went to the MRT station to purchase my concession.

dammit fie, that could've wait. why the fuck did you have to go off despite the fact that you knew something wasn't right. your heart kept beating fast since the night before, like an omen. but you went ahead and left him, thinking it'd be alright to.

i rushed back to the ward, only to see curtains drawn, and everybody tearing. i went in, only to see his face already covered. he was gone. i walked towards him, and stood beside his body. and all i could do was look. looked at him, looked at the people around. looked at my grandmother.

everybody else were tearing. everywhere i turned, i saw people crying, with the exception of nenek and abg. tears were seen in almost everyone's eyes, but not in mine. for some reason, i just couldn't cry. for a moment, i thought to myself, "am i really that heartless to not shed a single tear at all? astaghfirullah, what has become of me?" no doubt i was deeply saddened about it. but the tears just wouldn't come out. then again, do tears really reflect how one feel deep inside?

and i just couldn't face nenek. 70 years of marriage. the loss of the love of her life. till now, i can't help but wonder what could possibly be on her mind. how was she feeling? how is she going to deal with the whole thing? she was extremely calm about it. she looked and observed others, and when i looked at her, she smiled at me. she wasn't crying. but tears did fall. such strong woman she is. how i envy her.

for a moment, i felt lost. like reality didn't really sink in. the only thing i knew was that i felt like i needed a hug. one that would comfort me. i took my time informing my close ones of my grandfather's passing. and could even make a call. i stood alone in one corner. the moment i opened my mouth to tell my friend that my grandfather passed away, i started crying. hung up, and cried for a good two minutes alone.

adilah called, i answered. and i bumped into my classmate, Hazel, who was visiting her grandmother. she saw me and said, "be strong". i guess my eyes gave it away. she offered me a hug, and though i wasn't close to her in any way, i accepted it. it wasn't as comforting as the way i needed it to be, but i do appreciate it in many ways.

with soo much happening in that spur of a moment, i thank god that my period ended on the very same day itself. i requested to go home because i desperately wanted to mandi hadath. i desperately wanted to read the yasin to him that night. i desperately wanted to cleanse myself so that i can taburkan pocai on him today. i desperately wanted to be able to follow the rest to the kubur for the burial today.

after performing my isyak prayers, we head out to nenek's place for the tahlil. it ended at about 11 plus and soon, the crowd began to lessen. there was space. i could breathe. and the air suddenly felt fresh. it felt new to me. still, my cousins, bro and i went out in the wee hours of the morning to look for olive oil.

the family took turns to accompany arwah atuk and read surah yasin. i was waiting for my turn. it's like a rotating shift you know. at about 2am in the morning, my patience paid off. syafiqah (my "twin"), abg and i - the three musketeers. we were his few cucu kesayangan - went into the room and sedekahkan yasin to arwah. syaf and i read two rounds - the first in arab and the second in bahasa melayu. we wanted to understand what the surah was about and its meaning, you see.

there after, i decided to play the surah yasin that i have in my hp. it was loud, and the ngaji was way much better than any of ours. merdu and very smooth.

Cik Midah heard and commented, "aik, dah penat bace, on dari handphone pulak? *smiles* boleh jugak la."

Mak Long heard it and said, "oh, korg on surah yasin dari handphone eh. bagus bagus. *thumbs up*"

in a way, it meant that every one else could turn in while my player was in repeat mode.

so the three of us stayed in the room and kept arwah company. we reminisce on our childhood and laughed. memories. pak busu came in soon after and joined us. about an hour later, syaf and abg got tired, so they took a nap in the room. pak busu was already napping, but after a while, he felt uncomfortable. so both he and i decided to read the yasin too, following the player, since we're not the experts.

while the player was on repeat, pak busu and i were on repeat too. we followed through, and made sure that we burned the setanggi after one has finished. we just couldn't sleep. that was the first time in my whole life that i've read the surah yasin countless of times. for two and a half solid hours, i recited the yasin over and over again despite the chest pains and migraine i was having.

there were occasional times i sneaked out to take a peek at nenek in the other room and created small conversations. she too, couldn't sleep. everyone knew she had something on her mind, causing her not to be able to sleep, but when asked what, she never did want to answer. and she was using a whole lot of tissues.

others were resting, and sleeping. only a handful stayed awake. Mak Long had short naps because she was taking care of my grandmother. nenek kept calling every now and then for various little things. if only i had the ability to read minds.

i went home at 5.30am in the morning and when i reached home, i quickly showered and performed my subuh prayers. slept at 6.30am to rest myself and mum woke me up an hour later. got ready and had breakfast to alas perut.

by the time i arrived nenek's place, i was five minutes late. i was told that the people tgh mandikan mayat. so i patiently waited outside. i got to taburkan pocai and kiss him for the last time. =')

headed out to kubur and my dad's car arrived first. while we were waiting, i was searching for arwah Farouk's lot, but i couldn't find it. so i just let it go, because i knew i could ask Ayu for his resting place.

witnessed the kebumian and my aunts were crying. i just looked. Alhamdulillah, cuaca cerah during the whole process, and there was no halangan. it was smooth-sailing.

after the whole process ended, my dad had to collect the rice for the tahlil. i walked towards the car, and dengan kuasa Allah, i chanced upon arwah Farouk's kubur. it was near arwah atuk's.

napped for a short while in the car, and after the tahlil, i slept beside arwah atuk's bed for an hour or less. went home, performed my prayers and watched tv. everyone else were sleeping except for me. i was suffering from temporary insomnia since arwah atuk passed away.

and now here i am, with only an accumulated 4 hours (or less) of sleep. for everything that i've said here in this space, i still feel that i'm lacking in details. though i know that whatever happened in that short moment of time will be etched in my mind till the day i die. the impact that it has, is beyond any words i can say.

till now, the sound of the surah yasin kept playing in my mind. it's ringing hard and loud. the awkward silence of my house felt a slight indifference to the whole atmosphere. everything felt new, when it was actually the same old place.

92 years of age. Alhamdulillah, Allah telah panjangkan umur nya. and i hope he's lived a good 92 years, living through WW1 and 2. from kampung to HDB flats. through the hard life, to the time he was being taken care of. from me being a baby, till 19 turning 20. he's witnessed it all.

my regret is that he is not able to witness me khatam Quran. the day i do, i shall dedicate my glory to him. he lives within me. i am grateful for his presence. my guidance, my light. akan ku segani mu buat selama nya, atuk.

Love,
one of your cucu kesayangan,
fiffy

the curse of magnetic therapy

2009-03-04T22:38:00.011+08:00

after eight months. why, oh why, did you have to return? i was getting along fine without you. no, correction. i was getting along great. real great.

of all the time in the day, you just had to make your grand entrance when i was performing my maghrib prayers, at rakaat 2. how plain annoying, not to mention disgusting.

the funny thing was, i didn't even realise your existence till an hour later. haha. see what 8 months can do? heh.

i seriously didn't expect your comeback. honestly. it's like i've gotten used to the idea that you're not ever coming back. something like that, you know.

and now, i have to bear with the pain. oh, the agony! damn you. and sleeping's gonna be slightly awkward for the time being, while you're here. how i hate that feeling. argh!

on a brighter note, at least i won't be angry at or blaming myself if i missed any waktu - especially subuh - for the week. hehe. holiday mode pe! heee. ;p

coz when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven.

2009-03-03T15:14:00.017+08:00

sometimes, things fall apart so that the right things can fall into place. fall if you must, but never let it overcome you. what happens today is something you need learn, to benefit for tomorrow.

i am not here to tell you what to do or what you should do. i am here to listen - and just be there. at the end of the day, the decision is ultimately yours to make.

there is no right or wrong decision. either ways, only you know what's best for you. because it is you who's facing it.

make your choice(s), and never look back. no regrets should be made, because whatever outcome you get, will prove to have happened for the best.

cry if you must. be angry if you must. let emotions overwhelm you if you must. reflect, even, if you must.

then detach yourself. let it go slowly. calm down. regain yourself and feel with total composure. only then will you be able to get a clearer picture of what you think or feel is best for you, and what you want.

i will not judge. i will stay here, right where i'm supposed to be. and support you in whatever decisions you make. i'll be behind you, ready to catch you if you feel like you're slipping. i'll bring you up when you need me to.

but right now, this is a fight you must face by yourself - and you must face it strongly. because the emotions are yours - and yours alone - for you to battle with.

just know that you are not alone. never alone.

stay strong starshea baby! <3

reality check

2009-03-01T14:27:00.006+08:00

everybody wants to go to heaven. everyone's afraid of life after death. but why is it that they are not doing anything about it? why is it that it's soo god damn hard for them to do things they're supposed to? why is it that they don't bother performing their prayers and the essentials in the teachings of Islam?

how is it that they even dare to dream or hope of going to heaven and be spared from seksaan kubur when they are not taking the effort to bring themselves closer to Allah?

what's even worst are those who know they earned themselves a straight ticket to hell and can even joke about it in a non-chalant manner. yes, it's just a joke. but it just goes to show how blatantly stupid you are to be damn proud of something like that.

just one word: ridiculous.

he who's been my guidance when i was young.

2009-02-28T23:19:00.009+08:00

my grandfather is in critical condition, and the doctors dare not do anything because of his age. i know it's wrong of me because i'd be testing God's will, but i really do want my grandfather to live slightly longer to see me succeed.

i want him to see me get my degree from murdoch. if it's too long, then at least i want him to live till i khatam Quran. i'm arranging to start ngaji again next week, insyaallah, and i really do hope he'd live to see me in my glory.

yes, i know amalan is for one's self, but i just want him to be proud of me. it's the least i could do to repay him for raising me since i could remember. he is the reason why i am who i am today. he is the reason why i never forget Allah. he is the reason why i am not a wild havoc girl. he is the reason why i know my limits. he is the reason why i'm able to create a line between good and bad. he is the reason why i am a Muslim.

& i never knew his condition could hit me hard. this day never came to my mind before. and i'm scared of what's to happen. because i was told by Mak Long that she received the signs. and i'm not sure if i can handle it. i don't know if i'm strong enough to face it.

so forgive me if i'm moody and down in the dumps, failing to pretend to at least be normal, if not chirpy, hyper, happy or whatever else.

goldinuniverse.com

2009-02-28T13:09:00.008+08:00

Name: Nurul Afiqah Bte Azali
Date: 2/27/2009
Colorgenics Number: 12375406

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You are the sort of person that needs a peaceful environment. You seek release from stress and freedom from conflicts and disagreements, of which you seem to have had more than your fair share. But you are taking pains to control the situation by proceeding cautiously and you are right in doing so as you are a very sensitive person.

Now there are many things in life that you require as essential to your well-being but, try as you may, something always seems to be getting in your way. A word of advice - 'keep trying' and you may be pleasantly surprised to see just how matters turn out.

In spite of the fact that you believe that your hopes and ideas are realistic, it is hard for you to accept that your needs and desires are misunderstood by almost everyone within your sphere of influence and there is no-one to turn to or rely on. Your pent-up emotions and inherent egocentricity make you quick to take offence, but as matters stand you realise that you will have to make the best of things as they are.

You are holding back. You need to find friends in whom you can trust and once they have proved themselves beyond all possible doubt you will be prepared to give them your all. The existing situation is not of your liking - you have an unsatisfied need for mental stimulation with others whose standards are as high as your own. Trying to control your instincts the way you do restricts your ability to open up to others and the way you feel at this time is suggestive of 'total surrender'. This is not to your liking as you consider such thoughts as weaknesses that need to be overcome. You feel that only by control, controlling your innermost thoughts, are you able to maintain your air of superiority. You want to be admired for yourself alone and not for what you can do or for what you may have done. In essence 'you need to be needed' and at the same time 'you need to need'.

You would like to be respected and valued for yourself and this can only be achieved from within a close and harmonious relationship.

tolerance

2009-02-27T23:24:00.009+08:00

bitch, that was the second. watch your mouth. the third time, i ain't sparing you. no joke. ape nak jadi, jadi lah. it don't matter anymore.

and yes, for some reason, i'll be making use of the space i have at LJ. strictly restricted. friends only.

if need be, in the long run, i might just make use of my wordpress account instead, to blog for certain private issues. but, i don't think i'd have anything to hide from fadie. heh.

no, i'm not a coward. i just find it pointless to share my life with anyone anymore. especially if you're gonna judge and blatantly throw a passing statement, which is totally uncalled for. and fucking insensitive of you.

so if you want access to LJ, create an account for yourself and add me up as your friend, though i may not guarantee i'd accept your friend request. unless you're Starshea. i can never hide anything from this girl. heee.

it's not even my birthday!

2009-02-26T18:29:00.009+08:00

see that bracelet above? there's a story behind it. :)

was at the pasar mlm when we chanced upon a Kenyan (African) accessory stall there. looked around and stuff. typical shopping (except that it's the pasar mlm). then we went to catch up with my mum who was at the kedai baju. i asked abg to take his name card coz i was interested in the stuffs. cool tau! but couldn't buy anything coz i got no moolah. hah.

so we went back to the stall and took the name card. looked at the stuffs again. then we walked off. so then abg suddenly asked me if i really wanted it or not. and i jokingly said, "nak ah. asl? kau nak belikan?" and laughed. then he said yes. i was shocked because let's face it, my bro isn't the type to spend money on me. at all.

i was like, "serious? pakai duit kau tau?" and he went, "ya. nak tak? aku beli." just to double confirm with him, i went, "eh betul? aku beli kau bayar tau. pakai duit kau tau." i kept repeating the same thing and i think he got irritated till he went, "ye dik. aku beli dik. aku bayar. kau nak ke tanak? aku nak beli ni."

ape lagi. sambar la. bukan selalu abg nak belikan barang utk aku. hehehe. there was a necklace that had the same pattern as the bracelet. and it was damn nice. it matched the bracelet. like duhhh. haha. but abg was like, "no. pick one only. berat ah nak belikan kau both. tadi duit dah terkopak beli meera nye b'dae cake. tak boleh seh belikan kau dua2."

so i had to settle for the bracelet, since i already am wearing a necklace, that was given to me by my dad, since ever. heeee. and of course abg bought something for himself too. i picked it for him. hehe.

it was a pleasant surprise from my bro. soo sweet of him. hehe. selalu la mcm gini kay abg? i loikeeee. hehehe. ;p

thanks ah eh fart series depan aku! pfft.

2009-02-25T23:47:00.013+08:00

OKAY! so i've been missing for quite a while. i know you guys miss me! heee. flew for a short trip to kayangan la. hence. hehe. mcm real jek fie. mintak kene cepuk jek aku. wakaka.

so today marked my last day of school. officially done with Temasek Poly. officially done with exams and projects. and sadly, officially done with MediaBiz studio. boohoo for that, yay for the rest mentioned before that. heeee.

had my last paper in the morning and all hopes of getting an 'A' crashed when i suffered a nervous breakdown and forgot the facts i studied. argh. of all the papers to screw up for, web design?! dammit. that was my only hope of getting an 'A'! and now that seems soo far away when i couldn't answer the questions to my best.

section A was worth 60 marks, with 3 questions. 20 marks each. yes. 20 marks for one bloody question. section B? only one question. 40 bloody marks! and guess what the best part was. i didn't study that part coz i lost the notes! of all the questions to come out as 40 bloody marks, it just had to be one that i didn't study for! i practically threw 40 marks away just like that! GRRRR!

didn't help that i forgot the facts over at section A's. pfft. i was soo angry at myself, i tell you. and crapology (that's what poly does to you) is damn hard when you're not the technologically savvy kinds who are into coding and design shitzo.

while i was doing the paper, i wish i had telepathy with fadie so that i can just invade her mind and ask her the questions and she'd explain all the answers to me. haha. tough luck, kid. you can only wish. sheesh.

okay, so whatever i just wrote above bore the shit out of you because you obviously didn't have to know that. *slaps forehead* point taken. but of all my 3 years in poly life, sitting for exams, i had a first (and hopefully last) weird experience all thanks to the part-time invigilator.

see, what happened was, i was wrecking my brains, struggling and all, to remember the facts i studied in the hope of coming up with something and as usual, crapology. but then this invigilator walked past me, stopped just behind me - beside the table after me. moments after, weird sounds were heard and it lasted for quite a while.

Lorene and I looked at each other (we were doing our paper, mind you) and we were like, "WTF?!". sungguh tak funny kay! here i am trying to recall everything else, and this idiot just had to come up and fart right behind me! kalau one loud big fart nvm tau. but noooo, she just had to have a fart series. it sounded like she had diarrhoea! of course it stank! are you kidding me?! argh. and so i lost my train of thoughts and decided to just give up and handed in the paper. pfft.

sumpah aku mcm nak bunuh diri. i was already mad at myself, and this invigilator just had to piss me off further. sheesh. sungguhdisgusting.com la! dangs, talk about manners! pfft. *rolls eyes* can't believe such people exist! really. aku kentot pat rmh pun tak sampai mcm gitu. ish. HAHA.

that's how much of a stubborn ass bitch i am

2009-02-05T23:32:00.004+08:00

i cannot deny how i feel. but i am denying myself of the feelings. for every reason that no one could ever understand, not even me. yes, i'm going against the course of nature. but right now, that's how i want it to be.

a few days ago, wani shared what she learned during madrasah. it was about fate and destiny. and how our actions change or affect our life. so yes, as of now, that's what i'm doing. sure, i like you. yes, i really do. but platonic is all you're ever going to get. for now.

because that's the only thing i can afford to give. nothing less, nothing more.

a momentary thought

2009-02-05T17:05:00.004+08:00

i question why the need to blog. i don't see any need. at all. so now i feel stupid. i'll probably delete both alter ego and this space. and just hide away from the rest of the world. afterall, that's probably what i do best.

helmet-less

2009-02-03T23:48:00.008+08:00

lu bikin gua panassssss jeeeee! argh! this is soo infuriating. if you weren't my brother, i would have slammed your head against the wall! pfft. of all the helmet to sell off, he sold off MY "little devil" helmet! argh! sungguhannoying.com lor! GRRRR!

and the best part, he said, "alah, nnti aku belikan helmet baru la." MCM PAHAM AH! hmph. that's what he said when he bought meera a NEW helmet and sold off the old one. but till now, no new helmet for me! b'dae aku dah lepas pun! pfft.

so now he's telling me for the second time that he's going to buy one for me at the end of the month? oh, tell me why i shld take his word for it. kambing betul! merajuk ah mcm ni! *pouts*

abg syg meera lebih dari adek! *bluek* tanak geng! hmph! *stomps feet*

on a totally separate matter, i finally see your worth as a friend. and i now see where i stand. just one word: disappointing.

yet, who was i trying to kid? guess i saw it coming. but i refuse to believe it'd happen. so now it did. and i have only myself to blame.

so i learnt. i never was a huge - if not important - part of your life afterall. or at least, i never was a friend to you, let alone priceless.

forever is just an exaggeration

2009-02-03T13:05:00.005+08:00

there's no such thing as forever. it doesn't exist. it's just a word commonly used. always, however, does.

there's no tomorrow. it comes, but there's no telling who tomorrow is for.

the harsh truth. life. just live with it.

coz it's the number TWO yaw!

2009-02-02T17:52:00.009+08:00

DKNY Be Delicious.

i miss how i used to smell. fresh and elegant. oh, those were the days. shldn't have quite that job as a fragrance advisor. *slaps forehead* heh.

i'mma get myself a 100ml bottle. but first, i need moolah. and when i do, not only will i splurge it on the Be Delicious, but i'll splurge on Armani Code as well! and Hugo Boss' Femme! and Escada! argh! soo many perfumes i wanna buyyyy! yes yes. like safi says, i'm a perfume freak. heeee. sukati aku ah! *bluek*

now i need a job. i need to get the moolah coming. nyehhhh. any job opening, anyone? hmmmm.

oh btw, i wore a dress today. heee. with heels. khekhekhe. yes starshea, it's the dress that lead you to nickname me, "sexy shaven legs". -_- like hurhur eh, babe. haha.

and some random nyonya ruined my day. pfft. bodoh nye nyonya. kambing betul. argh. BUT i shall not blog about it today. becauseeeeeeeeeeee........

IT'S WANI'S BIRTHDAY!

yay! happy 20th babe! hehehehee. i therefore have a new nickname for you. kakak 20! hehehe. so yes, apart from being kak orchid and botanical gardens, you are now kakak 20. hehehehe. maaf eh birthday treat budget nak mampus. stakat dari ITAS jek. nnti bler aku dah kaya aku belanja kau shark's fin dgn abalone kay? khekhekhe.

oh, and tak yah jealous eh aku kayangan angel. *bluek* hehehhee. thanks for the nice nick zaki! hehehe. =) sumpah vogue and glamsss nak mampus nye. elegant tau! suka i! hehehe.

on another note, someone else is turning 20 soon. hehehe. *winks*

lost

2009-01-30T01:45:00.006+08:00

tonight i faltered. breaking point is near. strength depleting. this is the turning point of my life.

just a precaution

2009-01-29T11:41:00.005+08:00

i accept constructive criticism, but never insult or humiliation.

this is how i learn

2009-01-28T21:34:00.004+08:00

to err is human. to forgive is divine.

i forgive. no matter how bad a wrong you've done to me, or how hell-ish the shit was. at the end of the day, i get over it and i forgive.

but i can never forget how i was made to feel at that point of time.

//not all wounds heal. not all scars show.

between the two

2009-01-26T23:51:00.021+08:00

people always say the heart is a powerful thing. i'd like to think the brain is just as powerful, if not more.

she who came into my life unexpectedly.

2009-01-23T00:02:00.014+08:00

uninvited, she successfully made her way into my life. i accepted her, and embraced her willingly. years ago, we didn't know of each other's existence. we got to know each other through a friend. frankly, i thought she'd just be my junior, or just someone i know. but i was wrong. she became more than that.

sweet, polite, caring, helpful, motivated, determined, and soo full of zest and love. that's who she is. her care and concern moved me. her sincerity in helping others, and going all the way in doing so, not expecting anything in return. blessed, gifted and hardworking, she's definitely not one to take things for granted. a very firm and promising girl.

and today, she turns 19. my only wish for her is that she remains happy, and hopefully life gives her the best. because that's what she deserves. =)

Happy Birthday, Mira!

oh, may i please add that her entry about me never fails to make me smile, and cry - touched la seh. hehe. and it's probably one of the things that keeps me going when i'm at my darkest. read if you want to. ;)

Friday, November 28, 2008
itulah dia

setahun. itu sahaja. setahun diberi untuk menjalin sayang. setahun diberi untuk menambah teman dalam hidup aku. setahun sudah cukup untuk aku mengenal dasar dirinya. itulah jangka perkenalan kami. hatinya terbuka untuk menerima aku seadanya. hatinya terbuka untuk mengundang aku dalam kehidupan sulitnya. aku besar hati. terima kasih hanya kuucap. sayang hanya kuberi. ingatan padanya hanya kulimpah. gadis juga ku maksudkan ini.

manis. sopan. tabah. itulah dirinya. tiada kata erti kalah. walau sempit di hujung dunia, dia berpegang teguh pada prinsipnya. walau berkocak air lautan sekalipun, dia tabah. tabah mengharungi liku hidup yang tiada akhirnya. kuat pada pendiriannya. sabar menunggu nikmat hidupnya. sentiasa kembali kembali kepada suruhanNya. usia muda, pemikirannnya matang bak orang tua.

kisah hidupnya dijadikan tauladan bagi semua. disingkap kembali erti kehidupannya, diluahkan isi hatinya. aku hanya duduk diam membaca. doa ku pohon untuk kesejahteraannya. aku percaya, anak gadis ini adalah anugerah tuhan kepada aku. ada sebab mengapa ada si dia di dunia ini. Allah tidak menciptakan sesuatu tanpa alasan. malah lebih bangga kerana kita telah diciptakan oleh Allah dan bukan makhluk lain. jangan ada kesal di dada mengapa kita ada di sini. itulah pengajaran yang aku peroleh darinya. kehadiran si dia dalam hidup aku telah banyak mengajar aku tentang erti hidup. dia tidak sangka tapi dia telah menjadi guru aku selama ini. terima kasih atas segalanya.

tanpanya juga aku tidak akan mengenali seorang insan yang kini aku cintai. tanpanya juga aku tidak mengenal erti seorang teman. tanpanya juga pintu hati aku mungkin tidak akan terbuka untuk memulakan sebuah lembaran baru dalam buku hidup aku. tanpanya aku tidak akan keluar dari kepompong yang sudah lama aku bebas. kerananya aku adalah aku kini. walaupun si dia tidak menyedarinya, si dia juga telah menyentuh hati semua orang di hidupnya. kehadirannya tidak sia-sia. ada hikmah disebalik semua yang berlaku.

si dia. erti senyum aku. erti kasih bagiku. erti budi bagiku. fie. itulah dia.

at 6:17 PM

now everybody go "awwwww"! sweet kan?! *blushes* zaki, melayu habis eh? nak challenge dgn mira tak? lol.

somehow, i can never see myself in the light that she put me in. i don't know, i just feel like... i don't fit the bill? mcm too much for me gitu. just feel like i'm a tad lower? heh. inferiority complex. hurhur. but for that, thanks mira. :)

i'm soo thankful you're in my life!

two in one.

2009-01-22T22:00:00.005+08:00

a sudden sharp pain. neither rhyme nor reason, it snaps everytime i sujud. NAPFA is 3 weeks away. so should i de-register or not? hmmmm.

note to self: when you have the time to finally get yourself away from this whole madness, do make your way down to the skin centre. it's acting up again. two years ago, they couldn't diagnose it. let's see if they can two years later (this time).

talk about surprises.

2009-01-21T23:22:00.009+08:00

suddenly my mum decided to be the sweetest creature on Earth, though unintentionally. heh.

see, i'm in desperate need of an organiser/planner. and i was contemplating on getting myself a PDA. cheh, mcm mane nye kaya jek aku eh. lol. so these past few days, i've been wanting to head down to Popular bookstore to get myself the organiser.

lo and behold, my mum came home bringing an organiser from her company. and sumpah, it looks beautiful. simple and diary-ish. i likeeee! hehehe. and it's green! yay! kalau pink aku bunuh diri. hahaha.

the catch: she didn't know. she just brought it home and randomly asked me if i wanted it or not. nyahahaha. ape lagi. sambar ah! wooo! hehe. suke nyeeee. heeee. *smiles widely & jumps around*

on the contrary

2009-01-21T22:51:00.007+08:00

9 WORDS WOMEN USE

Fine
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

Five Minutes
If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

Nothing
This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with Nothing usually end in Fine.

Go Ahead
This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!

Loud Sigh
This is not actually a word, but it is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

That’s Okay
This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. “That’s okay” means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

Thanks
A woman is thanking you, do not question it or faint. Just say you’re welcome.

Whatever
Is a women’s way of saying FUCK YOU!

Don’t worry about it, I got it
Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but she is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking “What’s wrong?”

LOL. it's kinda true for most women, generally. works on me sometimes. but not always though. being the girl who contradicts and hides words and feelings at some point, you can never expect what's the truth and what's not from me. heh.

so are you really sure which one's which when i say 'nothing'? *kening naik2* think hard and make sure you get it right. *sniggers* don't be a smart alec, because it gets worst when you do. *grins*

yeah, i'm evil like that. teehee. i loveeeee mind games. *evil laughs*

i choose to keep mum

2009-01-20T18:09:00.003+08:00

i know you're giving signals. i do. i get it, really. it's just that i feign ignorance, just like i always do.

simply because you're grey. and that's all you'll ever be. for now.

mumbo jumbo

2009-01-19T22:27:00.008+08:00

i woke up late to school.
dad sent me to school riding his vespa.
been a long time. =)
lovely. i just loved the ride.
though i seriously think he shld get it modified.
by the time i reached school, my kelenkang was cramping.
and the lift took a bloody long time.
so i decided to climb up the flight of stairs.
bad choice.
by the time i reached the second level, my legs were screaming for help. -_-"

dropped my laptop in school.
damn pissed about it.
my baby's disfigured. pfft.
and the keypad perangai, especially the left click button. grrr.
probably heading down to courts tmr to get it exchanged for a new one, since it's still within warranty.
*prays hard*

went over to starshea's place to transfer files as back-up.
didn't realise i cut and paste the file over instead of copy and paste. *smacks forehead*
found out only a coupla minutes ago when irfan asked me to send MLTR's song,
and i couldn't find it anywhere.
sungguhbingit.com lor.
so all my pictures and music are gone.
and my baby is practically file-less.
i feel damn deprived of music.
dammit.

checked examination timetable.
and what'dya know!
last paper's on the 25th of feb.
couldn't contain my joy.
was damn excited that i had to share my joy with irfan.
sorry for the torture, dude. lol.

so imma start saving up now.
because right after the paper i'm joining amirul and friends to cambodia.
weehooo. i finally get my holiday. *smiles widely*
that is if i manage to save up enough for the trip.
so let's not rejoice too soon la hor.
but imma save up still.
and hope that i will be able to join 'em. *prays hard*
if not, i'll settle for the trip to phuket with starshea, nas and amirul. hehe.
sweet escape!
i just can't wait. *rubs hands with glee*

a favour to ask.

2009-01-16T20:32:00.003+08:00

no, don't drag me into 'em. you're not helping yourself. neither am i going to. you created this mess. you solve 'em yourself. by hook or by crook.

whatever you do, don't deepen the cut any further. because at the end of the day, all that's left will be of hatred. and i'd hate for that to happen.

talk about contradiction.

2009-01-16T08:33:00.004+08:00

funny how a man can just change overnight. screw you.

effie! =)

2009-01-15T01:15:00.003+08:00

"i don't know what i want to do or where i want to go after this," i said.

"go uni la. take degree," she replied.

"aiyah. confirm cannot make it lah. my gpa soo sucky ready. die ready lor," i said in return.

"just try lah. you won't know until you try," she answered.

"what's the point of trying when you know you are going to fail?" said i, who's known to be a pessimist, if not realist.

"what's the point of giving up without even trying?" she questioned.

and at that point of time, i just couldn't answer her. i didn't know how to. she had a point. and it definitely knocked some sense into me.

should i or should i not?

because it definitely means i'm much better than you are.

2009-01-13T23:13:00.005+08:00

oh, someone's craving for attention. i don't remember ever having to squeeze my way into the good books. and here she is, desperate to make her way into one's life. it just cracks me up. at least i know i never was that desperate. HAHA. in your face, bitch!

kudos for that.

2009-01-12T23:22:00.003+08:00

it seems that pissing me off is a hobby to you. like it brings some kind of adrenaline, if not joy, to you.

and you never fail to succeed.

pessimist is the word

2009-01-12T01:48:00.005+08:00

something from the past keeps haunting me. for the longest of time, i've been fairly disturbed by it. though it is a motivational pull factor, it's affecting me negatively too.

it's not healthy, because for someone who thinks negatively like me, it drains me of my energy when my brain juices are used up just thinking abt it.

the fact that it's affecting my performance in school work just sucks. i'm not the kind to delay in submitting my part to the group mates or end up not contributing my work at all. but it just happened.

and i'm freaking engulfed in guilt, though i've not apologised for it. because it seems that saying sorry just doesn't change anything at all, no matter how many times or sincere i am in saying it.

i want my grades. i want to buck up. i want to score and ace this semester. but i just can't put my heart to it.

lost. and i can't seem to get myself out of this. there's too many things i need to detach myself away from. but i just can't seem to.

your craziest aspiring deejay you could have

2009-01-06T21:22:00.018+08:00

honestly, as much as i love Tuesdays - not only because it's crime night - i find it ridiculous and total waste of time to be heading all the way to school just for nothing. every week, we do nothing but surf the net during tutorial coz Ethan finished teaching us everything we're supoosed to learn and left us by ourselves for self-directed learning. of course, the time could be put to more use if we decide to start on our individual assignment which is due next week!

being the procastinator that i am, nahhh. it's highly unlikely. haha. so i came in to class late today, though only 30 minutes late. and the moment i came in, Ethan said "the lecture's over". and i'm like "seriously?" with -.-' expression. chet. as wani said, "lagi baik kau tak yah dtg terus". GRRR. thank god i didn't cab to school. i'd kill myself for having to waste that much amount of money to find out there wasn't a need to. sheesh.

but, wani was suddenly soo sweet that she decided to give me a surprise. she gave me this card and notebook from the zoo as my belated birthday gift. ish! of all the things in the world, she had to remind me of monyet and beruk. tsk! but i was laughing though. heee. funny la she.

oh, and we crashed in to MediaBiz studio to "lepaskan rindu" coz we miss Radio Suite damn much! dangs, i miss Radio Pro. can i just remain at Year 2 and take Radio and Audio Production only? please? hehe.

oh i miss Radio and Audio Pro a whole lot! the only subjects in my whole 3 years that i was damn enthusiastic about. enjoyed every moment of it!

graduation is coming soon, and i'm not sure if i should rejoice or frown about it. yes, it ends my miserable school days (i still think i should ve chosen journalism instead of marketing! argh!) but it also means i have to start thinking about my future.

people talk about the future like as if it's years down the road, but i'd like to think that my future starts in March, right after my exams. and i have no god damn idea what i'm gonna do with my life, just yet. oh bother!

oh, and btw, for those of you who haven't seen or met me in a while, yes, i'm back with bangs! been quite some time already, actually. heee. but yeah. got my hair trimmed and told the lady to cut my fringe bangs style. because i refuse to look or be associated with her. though Aidil says she doesn't look any bit like me, i'm still bothered that Starshea said she resembles me. argh! ego alert! haha.

p.s, look at 'em chubby cheeks. argh. i need to lose weight! and yes, i know mata aku sepet and mcm almost gone. sheesh. i wish i had big, round eyes. hur.

ponder this

2009-01-01T03:02:00.003+08:00

"Life's too beautiful like an evening star
For you to sit and dwell on to the past
God'll never plight you on something you can't pass
& if the weather gets too warm for you to handle
I hope this song stops time and pull you through your struggle
We're all just feeble mortals
Yeah we bound to make mistakes but then we move through the rubbles
You can't deny the fact or what the truth is
If you try to fight fate then fate makes the truth hurts
Memories, are scars for us to remember
If you cling on to it, how will you find another?
& definitely the past will still linger
But without the past how will you discover the future?
Time, it can make you or break you
But if you move with it, by god's will it'll save you. For real."

;Sunrise by Naufal Gani.

some people listen to songs for the melody. i, for one, am more of a lyrical person. appreciate music for the meaning it brings. that's what music is all about.

first on the first day.

2009-01-01T00:19:00.010+08:00

so it's 2009. erm.. yay, i guess? heh. oh, there's one thing i forgot to mention.

i'm hoping it'll be less dramatic this year, especially in the boys' department. can i please just have ONE (if not none) guy to deal with instead of 'em irritating ''love interests'' - as Starshea calls 'em? i'd very much prefer a mellow and quiet life now, as boring as it gets. thank you very much. heh.

honestly, having too many love interests can sometimes get rather irritating, and make your blood boil to supernova - exciting or interesting (according to Starshea) as it may be or sound.

so yes, less drama please. save me all the trouble. much appreciated. heeee.

as we sit and remember the times

2008-12-31T23:59:00.010+08:00

2008 has proved to be an eye-opener for me. yet again, life has given me new experiences to teach me what it's all about. things were really rough for me, and life hit me hard. too many things going on, one after the other, and i almost lost the will power to fight on.

definitely, this year has been an eventful year for me. and like any other years, i've changed. idealistically, emotionally and mentally.

you know, for some reason, i don't understand what all the hype is all about. so what if it's 2009? the world doesn't stop and time keeps ticking away. it's just another day, another year. not unless if it's your birthday we're talking about. Happy Birthday, Mamad! =)

but realistically, there really is nothing much to celebrate about. people look forward to the new year, because they hope to achieve something, or to start life anew. i think that's bull. when you set your mind on something, you do it. you get it done. you work for it. you don't wait for the new year to start afresh.

i know i didn't. i wanted to start afresh as a Muslim. and i did. lo and behold, i'm now able to complete 5 waktu solat fardhu. i used to find it a chore, but not anymore. it's become a habit now. and i accomplished it before the new year.

honestly, why wait? Time waits for no Man. so i don't see why a specific timing is required for you to get your ass done on something. that's plain stupidity.

i don't believe in resolutions. that's whack. because we all know how things don't go our way. afterall, that's what life is all about, isn't it? circumstances and such.

but i do however, know what i want to achieve at the moment. in this year, i wanna get out of Singapore, and pamper myself with a sweet escape to get my mind off things and enjoy life the way it should be. it's gonna be a time for holidays for me, before i decide what to do with my future (and life).

and, i'm gonna make sure i khatam Quran. Insyaallah.

Colours of the Wind

2008-12-31T22:46:00.010+08:00

Pocahontas. one of my favourite Walt Disney production. the best in fact. i used to have a Pocahontas doll. and believe me, that was the only doll i ever loved. until later my mum threw it away. -_-" i was only in primary school then. sheesh. honestly, i have a deprived childhood. argh. and i'm still sore about the fact that she threw that doll. damns.

the reason why i love Pocahontas is because of the storyline, unlike any other "love ever after" Disney Production. it talks about life. and Pocahontas' character just appeals to me. i especially love the part when the tree sang, "listen with your heart. you will understand".

though they're backward and oblivious to the world around them, i find their way of living fulfilling. simple, yet happy. i think that's what life is all about. and that's how life should be lived. we live in this world, thinking about wealth and fame, disregarding what's really precious in life. we chase our dreams, so much so we forget how to be content.

my whole life, i'd imagine living a life like Pocahontas. simple, yet rewarding. i'd love to live her life. anytime. i won't mind trading life with her. and embrace her character. i love her spirit, will and love for Mother Nature. just everything about her. it just appeals me.

her life, is a life worth living for.

that's how i've hoped to live my life.

lights, camera, action!

2008-12-27T00:38:00.023+08:00

my makeover photos are up! i swear i had no idea why i agreed to do it in the first place. it was meant as a joke and my mum actually took it seriously. sheesh. so shut up and don't laugh eh. let's start with the candid ones, shall we?

sumpah i had no idea the pictures were taken. heee. those are after the photoshoot btw. for those of you who have me as their facebook friend, sila la eh make your way there and feast your eyes on 42 of my sememek face.

no, i didn't upload. my make-up artist did, and obviously tagged me. -.-" paiseh maut geng.

i've actually got 140 photos to choose from to form up a calendar. and i have no idea which ones to choose! and these 140 excludes the ones from my make-up artist please.

why haven't i got 'em uploaded here? well, my photographer burned 'em in a CD and now i can't seem to open it! sooo, i'll upload some (i can't possibly upload all right? nak mampus upload over 100 photos. ish) of 'em up here as soon as i get it figured out aite? i know some of you are excited to see right? *nudges azahari, kak fizah & starshea* hehehe.

oh, and sumpah i'll be having a major headache when it comes to choosing what goes into my calendar. help please? somebody? hands up if you wanna volunteer. hah! i bet you wouldn't mind doing it for free, since you'll get to see ALL 140 shots! hahaha.

BUT, i do know which one i want for a poster though! hehehe. cheh. mcm aku mane nye jambu jek eh. nak calendar dgn poster. kalau superstar or hot chick takpe jugak. sheesh. takpe la eh, sekali sekala feeling Alicia Keys okay jugak pe. hehehe.

oh! here's a shot you'd never see me in! hahaha.

excuse the babats aite? can see my buncit tummy, flabby-licious arms and double chin in some photos. diam eh. pfft. i should have worked out like mad or starve myself to death before i went for the photoshoot. *slaps forehead*

of the 3 outfits i wore, i personally love the one where i was in formal. maybe because i'm not the dress and skirt kinda person. heh. so yes, obviously the poster's gonna be the one where i'm in suit and the hat. ;p

woo! Alicia Keys Singapore or wat?! hehe. amcm? ada gaya tak? hehehe.

wooo! tall or wat? hehe.

love the sky view! uh-huh!

so that's it for today la eh. hehe. promise i'll upload the nicer ones (from my photographer). when i manage to open it, that is. teehee. let me just remind you again, i won't upload all eh please. melampau. hahaha.

my role model.

2008-12-26T23:21:00.016+08:00

nurse: uncle, you want panadol?

tok: ah?

mak long: pak, nak panadol tak?

tok: ah boleh la. nak nak.

nurse: so you want panadol ah?

tok: *looks at nurse* ah want.

nurse: okay. *walks off*

mak long: bapak rasa sakit ke ape? pening?

tok: tak lah.

mak long: abeh bapak mintak panadol kenapa?

tok: psl tak berak. dari tadi tak boleh berak.

the whole lot of us: *guffaws*

cute eh atuk aku. HAHAHA. tak boleh berak nye pasal die mintak panadol. nyahaha. my mum had to go out as a result, and tell the nurse to cancel the panadol and give him something else so that he can pass motion. the funny thing is, he actually said, "ah want" dgn selamber nye. wah. dah pandai speaking london nmpk atuk aku ni. hahahaha.

whenever i look at my grandad, i never fail to remember my childhood. a huge part of it was spent at my grandparents' place. in fact, i'd rather say the entire childhood. and till now, i thank god i did. because i believe they are the reason why i've not gone astray.

i never was close to my grandad, especially since abg was the favourite cucu. abg has a thing with the old folks la eh. even till now. though i don't exactly know what la eh. haha. so anyways, even then, my grandad never really practised favouritism that distinctly. just that abg was his favourite. can see la hor.

my grandad is the kind who wouldn't mind splurging his money on us two. he's a very active person. damn rajin i tell you. which man in the world goes out to the market early in the morning so that my nenek can cook before noon, you tell me? yes, that's how it works. everyday, my atuk never fails to go to the market and while he makes his trip there, he never fails to forget us cucu.

know what the carrot in the cake was? sweets and chocolates. remember how the mama shop used to sell 3 for 10cents sweets? and remember how there were those figure 8 small round chocolates which were very colourful? ah yes. those were what we'd be pampered with. cool nak mampus okay? see, no wonder i'm sucha chocoholic now. atuk aku ajar. hehehe.

he's been a great influence to me, really. being a kid, obviously i was very much curious to the adult's actions. and i was very eager to know how solat was performed. so what my brother and i did was to observe him and my grandma solat for a couple of days. and then came one day when we cheeky monkeys decided to actually follow suit, even though we didn't know how to solat then. we were still very young la hor.

so us being oblivious to the whole thing, but kaypoh nak mampus, guess what we did? we actually laid out our towel (!?!) in replacement of the sejadah (additional towel for me. konon nye telekung la eh. hehe), and followed every single action of our atuk. the thing was, for every movement, we recited the Al-Fatihah since that was the only thing we knew back then. hehe. cute eh kitorg? hehehe. my grandad laughed seeing our actions. hehe.

tapi takpe la hor. at least kter tak solat pakai seluar dlm jek. *nudges someone* khekhehe. *ahem* to you who terasa, jgn marah la hor. hehehe. takde niat nak aib kan org. but funny la you. anyways, i didn't say your name what kan? so no one but only the two of us know. hehehe. *winks* ;p

of course, how can i forget atuk's nagging sessions? hehe. he's not one to talk much. tapi kalau mencarut, habis ah. mcm nak sumbat telinga dgn cotton wool jek. hehe. which is why we're much closer to nenek. coz nenek's easier to talk with. and she loves sharing stories with us - about how kampung was like, my father's antics, my aunts and uncles, who used to fight with who, and all the funny antics.

you should see how my grandparents argue though. see, the difference between my atuk and nenek is, my atuk has strong will power. he's not one to give up. so when he had difficulties walking, he exercised and constantly kept on walking around the house. he wanted to make sure he could walk even without the aid, even if it means his speed was much slower or whatsoever. nenek, on the other hand, is very timid. so the other time she fell and had to rely on the roller (or stretcher? pape la eh. paham2 jek la. it's that thing old ppl use to aid in walking).

because she was afraid, it affected the way she walked. damn funny i tell you. mcm cartoon. heee. too bad i can't demonstrate online la eh. hehe. buat malu aku jek. hehehe. anyways, no matter how many times we taught her the right method, it made no difference because she gave in to her fear. so everytime she walked, my grandfather would nag at her saying, "dah berapa kali org ajar. tak pandai2 jugak. salah tu". and nenek would argue with atuk saying, "susah tau. anjang tau tak? berat. penat." and whatever else she could come up with. and then my grandad would reply, "tengok la org buat mcm mane. meh sini aku tunjuk lagi. belajar. tengok betul2" and he'd patiently demo over and over again. soon, the whole house would be filled with their voices. lol. cute gler geng. hehe.

oh, btw, if you must know. my grandad, he's actually a fierce man. i remember he'd chase us around the house with rubber bands and lastik us if we got too mischievious. my grandad champion lastik okay? jgn main2. sekali kene, meraung kau pat situ. we'd be running for our lives, i tell you! haha. eh, mcm cicak la pulak eh. kene lastik. hahaha. ah, sajak la tu eh abg aku mcm cicak man. size badan pun dah nak same dah pun. khekhekhe.

i must admit though, he is one man i truly look up to. because even at his age of 90 (or is it 92 eh?), he's still pretty much strong. he loves eating fruits and veggies, that's why. and i really admire his devotion to Allah because he religiously performs his solat fardhu at this age. all 5 waktu okay. terror tau atuk aku.

there was once he had a fall and he injured his leg. so he had to use the tongkat to aid himself when walking. even then, he still performed his prayers! solat duduk. fuhhh. i tell you, at that moment, i really saluted him for that. amazing old man.

so far, whenever i look at my grandad, i feel soo small. die lah org yg sgt aku segani selama ini. how he performs his prayers, dgn penuh khusyuk. and he'd always spend a lot more time completing his prayers compared to us. a couple of times, he'd perform the solat sunnat tasbih. power or wat? heh. there's soo much more i can say about him, but i guess i should stop now before i bore you even further, considering the length of this post already. heee.

and with every prayers i perform, he is always in them. i never fail to remember my grandparents in my prayers. i really hope for them to live long enough to see me succeed in my life. and for them to be able to see abg get married and have kids. for they are my blessings in my life. =)

sometimes, lying helps

2008-12-25T00:43:00.003+08:00

remember the annoying moron who couldn't get subtle rejection? the last time he asked me out, i actually lied, saying i was out on a date. after which he asked if i was attached or not. obviously i couldn't be bothered to reply. whatever for? pfft.

apparently this idiot didn't wanna back off. he smsed me again and actually asked me out again. i swear i lost count how many times he's asked me out. seriously.

so this time, i actually cooked up the reason i was damn busy with school (it's not exactly a lie wat. school really is taking its toll on me. sheesh). member cannot accept. resorted to asking about the weekends. and i said i need my time with family too. his reply to that: "ye ke? atau saje tanak? ;p"

at that point, i really wished i was mean enough to actually say, "LIKE DUHHH. isn't it THAT obvious?" of course i didn't la eh. see, i'm nice wat. *bats eyelids* hehe.

instead, i just said i have other commitments outside too. stupidly, he mistook this as cue for "i'm attached" and asked me that typical question again. how narrow-minded can he get? bodoh. so sad that his dictionary limits commitment to only relationships. tsk tsk. and yes, i was very much tempted to say, "no. just that i don't like you". super tempted nak mampus. *grits teeth hard*

oh, you guessed it alright. i actually refrained myself (this is the part you go, "OMG. Whoa"). shocker. but yes. i did it. *slaps forehead* sesungguhnya, sabar itu separuh dari iman. heh.

and because i really wanted to cut the shit short, i just answered a "yes" to that bloody question. just to end the whole agony he's putting me through. yes, it's that bad okay. argh.

being the dumbass he is, he had the cheek to actually reply, "oh i see. bilang la." by then i already grew too tired and i just deleted it away, though for a moment i went, "WTF".

really. i don't see in what way am i obliged to actually tell someone i'm attached. especially when he bears no importance in my life. like, what's the point? so i'm "attached". okay. and? that's it what, right? it's not like as it makes a difference to life. it's not like as if the world stops spinning and everything comes to a still. it's not like as if the trees start dying and the flowers start to wither. sheesh.

ridiculous. totally. i still don't get what's the point of going round telling everybody my status. -_-

men. *rolls eyes*. sometimes, they're soo stupid, i wished they'd perish from the face of the Earth and just cease to exist. dammit. no offence to male readers of this blog though. hehe. don't worry. i wasn't referring to any of you. hehe. just those kinds. *sniggers*

seriously. get a life, dude.

opportunity doesn't come knocking twice, does it?

2008-12-23T00:57:00.011+08:00

they say everybody deserves a second chance. yet, there's this other saying, "opportunity comes knocking on your door only once in a lifetime".

i'm not a fan of second chances. for me, once you blow it, that's it. you're done. chapter closed. i forgive. damn right i do. but i can never forget how i was made to feel at that point of time. never. it's something i remember for life. no, not being vengeful. just learning from my mistakes.

here's why i'm not a fan of second chances. reason being, i'd just end up having more doubts about you than i already have. you'd probably end up making things difficult for yourself. so why bother? makes sense, doesn't it?

being skeptical has always been my defense mechanism. i must admit, it works great for me. definitely. and because i protect myself a lot, doubts settle in.

just think. when you've blown your chance, how do you expect me to toss that aside and just trust you for the second time? i cannot pretend nothing ever happened and risk being open again. how can i be sure that you wouldn't drop the second bomb on me? can you guarantee that another shit won't happen?

it's not that i didn't try. i did. once, i gave someone (don't ask who) a second chance. lucky chap he was. but i rmmbr the second time i gave him a chance, he blew it too. and again, i was proven right. don't you just hate it when that happens? heh.

see my point? so i say, why waste your time and mine? it'd be a lot harder the second time. no point making life difficult for yourself. agree?

it's fine if the second chance in question is to be a friend. to at least have a place in my life. yeah sure, why not? but to try out for something more, again? not a chance. don't even dream about it. had your chance and it's just too bad that you had to blow it. you face the music. as simple as that.

you should already know by now i'm not one to be taken for granted. my heart opens only once. when it shuts, it shuts tight. and it's almost impossible to get it back open; you'd probably need a miracle.

p.s this is not a personal attack. not directed to anyone whatsoever. just a response to a question starshea asked me while we were having a conversation the other day. heee. ;p

would you rather?

2008-12-22T23:00:00.015+08:00

there's a saying that one never forgets his/her first love. it got me thinking, when do you consider someone your first love? is it your first relationship, or the very first person you fell for?

i'd opt for the latter. for some reason, i just don't think considering your first relationship as your first love makes sense. as kak fizah once said, there's no harm loving someone who doesn't feel the same way you do. =)

the thing about first love is, there's a higher chance that old flames will rekindle. the thing about being the insecure person i am, it lead me to feel that my future should probably be someone who's in the same boat as me - swinging single since ever.

this sounds selfish, but i just don't think it's fair that i have to deal with the fact that there's someone before me; that he's saying "i love you"s when those words have been said to someone before. it's like, do you really mean what you say? or is it just part of what a relationship should be like?

see, people miss their first love. they do. they remember those times and reminisce. and when that happens, i don't want to be dealing with the insecurities that i already have, in addition to the whole "old flames rekindle" shit. really. because i am honestly afraid that he would turn his back on me and get back with the first. i ain't gonna lie, but i am afraid. it can happen, yes?

starshea made this point, "would you rather be the first that didn't last or be the last one that lasts?" well, yeah. any sane person in the right state of mind would opt for the second, unless you're the type who can't settle for one.

of course i'd love to be the one that lasts. but ego just won't let it settle. i still don't think it's fair that on his part, he's got nth to worry about because i've been single all my life (lucky man huh?) while i am sitting here having that constant fear on top of all other insecurities (this is the part where he's unlucky).

it's not about being jealous. rather, i think it's more of something that's gonna crush you. imagine you're having a heart-to-heart talk, being honest and all, and he suddenly talks abt his past (not that i'm gonna mind his past) and how nice things were.

i think my heart would be breaking into a million pieces deep inside because somehow, it'd make me feel like i'm not good enough for him. either that, or he's not exactly happy with where the relationship is going (bottomline, i've not been a good girlfriend. period). i mean, the fact that he misses those times says a lot right? i'd like to think that being a good girlfriend would leave him no room to actually miss his past.

sounds unreasonable for me to say that, but hey, i do get quite sensitive at times. and when first love is concerned, i think it's rather sensitive for me.

as much as i'd love to be the last, i'd be sad (note: not hate pls) to know that there's another person in that heart too.

on a lighter note, how was your first love like? don't think i've experienced it before. i rmmbr having my first crush, but i don't think that'd count as first love. i rmmbr waiting 3 years for someone, but i don't rmmbr calling (or feeling) it my first love. i rmmbr swooning over arwah (dream guy okay) for the longest of time, but i wouldn't consider that my first love. i rmmbr someone managed to capture my heart, but i don't think that made the cut either.

do you remember how your first love was like?

unknown

2008-12-17T16:28:00.004+08:00

for some reason, i keep getting 'em headaches back again. rmmbr i hit my head last month, after which i suffered from a series of migraine attacks and dizzy spells? well, it went away weeks later. but only for a couple of days.

and now they're back to haunt me again. heh. i've been getting 'em headaches each time i wake up and it'll be gone hours later. even on Saturday i had my migraine attack. it didn't help that i haven't eaten for more than 36 hours that day. so i felt very weak, not to mention that the doctor said my BP has dropped, based on my last visit. hurhur. Wan said i looked pale. heh.

but yesterday was excruciating. the moment i woke up for subuh, my head felt heavy, and it was thumping hard. i felt angry at myself because i gave in to the pain and missed my subuh prayers because of that. and though it subsided much later in the day, the pain was still there. but bearable.

so it actually carried on today. cheh. mcm balance sheet gitu eh. balance brought down. nyahaha. eh, not bad ah. i still rmmbr my POA. hahaha. and as i'm typing this down, my head is screaming for help, and my eyes are begging for mercy. somehow, the worst part of migraines is when it affects my veins and my vision. argh. annoying.

i don't even know why i'm blogging about this. heh. bacinsss. ooh, lame aku tak ckp tu word. khekhekhe.

because they say a lil more about me

2008-12-15T12:39:00.016+08:00

Which of Snow White's Dwarfs Are You?
	You are Bashful. You tend to be shy and be a listener rather than a talker. You fall in love easily and when you see the object of your affection your heart beats faster and you get so nervous - but don't worry because all that bashfulness actually makes you more enduring! Your gentle heart is adored by all!
Find Your Character @ BrainFall.com

wahaha. sudah tentu. mmg bashful selalu. hehehe. gentle heart adored by all seh. *blushes* cheh cheh. kembang aku. *giggles* eh wait, fall in love easily? hmm. i don't think my friends would agree on that now, would they? heh.

What Kind of Date Are You?
	You are a Romantic. You know how to please your partner and make them feel special. You get to know them and find what they like. You truly care about them and how they feel.
Find Your Character @ BrainFall.com

ahahaha. romantic or wat? really meh? hmmm.

How Romantic Are You?
	You are a Romantic Average Joe. Sometimes you win 'em over with gestures of romance and sometimes you don't know what went wrong! Your romance IQ is average - but at least you are trying! You try your best and that is all that counts!
Find Your Character @ BrainFall.com

ahaha. well, i guess that justifies it? teehee.

Which Dark Knight Character Are You?
	You are Rachel Dawes. You tend to get yourself into unbelievably crazy situations, but you are always safe by the end of the day - with a little help by friends, of course! You are not a complete damsel in distress, but you do rely on others for a lot. Your goodness and integrity cannot be matched by anyone else, and people respect you because you are always honest and true to your word. You are not manipulated easily, and go the extra mile for causes you believe in. When you say you are going to do something, you mean it - and nothing will get in your way!
Find Your Character @ BrainFall.com

damn right abt that. Nothing is going to get in my way of going on a holiday next year! hmph!

Which Season of the Year Are You?
	You are Autumn. You are quiet and reserved and very peaceful by nature. You do have moments of feisty passion - however those moments are rare. Usually you keep to yourself and stay out of the limelight. You are inspired by natural beauty and love to be outside.
Find Your Character @ BrainFall.com

woo! definitely! kate pemalu mah. mesti la pendiam kan. *smiles and bats eyelids* haa! mcm real jek aku ni. *chuckles*

nyahaha. ni name nye org yg ade byk keje nak buat tapi tak terdaya nak buat. hehehe. till next time!

ulterior motive, is it not?

2008-12-14T15:39:00.013+08:00

so last month i got to know this guy. well, not exactly la since he was my ex-colleague. just that we didn't talk to each other at work. not that i'm arrogant, but he claimed that i was too fierce for him to dare to approach me. ape jek bdk tu. padehal yg lain semua ckp aku la yg paling kecoh and lepak pat keje. sheesh.

at first, when yazid asked me if i was okay with him giving my number, i thought, "alah, setakat dini jek. igt kan sape. aku sembarang. members keje pe. anything lor." little did i know, it wasn't what i thought it'd turn out to be.

you see, the thing i don't understand about guys is, what exactly is their definition of kenal-kenal? linguistically, it's to get to know another person. theoretically, it's to make friends, right? at least that's what it means to me.

i don't think that's the case in a guy's view. what lead me to think that's not what it really means to guys, is the way guys take it. from the way they act, kenal-kenal simply means he's trying the girl out. he's out to woo the girl. hence, they're always very particular about the status of the girl. it's more like a need to find out if she's attached or not. and if she is, he'd dismiss that thought. sheesh.

this sounds mean, but to me, i don't think i'm obliged to reply every single sms of someone who's just a friend to me. i mean, what's the point when i have no interest to? it's not like as if the conversation's going anywhere near interesting. so why bother?

the thing i can never stand is when a guy CALLS you when you don't reply his sms. i've had that before, and it irritates me a hell lot. especially when i've ignored his first call, and he calls again. how annoying can that be. and the most annoying part is, he keeps asking me out time and again. idiot. he couldn't even understand subtle rejection. damn.

people who know me would be sure to know how particular i am (yes yes, i'm anal. sheesh) especially when i've made a point across and you don't get it. i don't like repeating myself over again. once i tell you something, you get that into your head. you jolly well rmmbr it. demanding, but that's me.

and the point this moron couldn't get across was, i don't go out on Sundays, other than with my family. because i took pity on him, and the fact that he found me fierce and i didn't wanna scare him off too much, i actually was patient enough to tell him not once, but thrice that Sunday was family day for me. so going out with anyone else is a no-no.

simple enough fact right? but still, after three times, he still couldn't get it. he could still ask me out on a Sunday! how damn bloody irritating can that be? and when i ignored his sms, he had the cheek to actually call me! OMG. ni name nye tak paham bahasa langsung.

honestly, i said it in both malay and english. the two languages he speaks. but still, it proved to be in vain. dammit. do i have to speak in French and Japanese before he gets it into his head? argh. idiot.

now, i'm beginning to feel that i just wasted my time getting to know him. it took me only 6 days before i decided that was it. yes, a pathetic 6 days of smses and one boring phone call and i was too tired to want to talk to him. such a short span of time eh? even felix rahim survived much longer. heh.

i don't know why, but there's just something abt him that repels me - other than the fact that he's boring and merepek that is. maybe it's the fact that i rmmbr miscy once told me that he wanted to bed her (he was attached then). but then again, i have other friends like that too. so i don't think that could be that much of a factor. i don't know. but he doesn't generate any interest in me to actually want to be friends with him.

actually, these past few months, i find myself not bothering about the whole making new friends thing. i'm too lazy to want to get to know anyone else. i mean, i'm open to making new friends, but somehow, just not in the kenal-kenal way? if you get what i mean la eh. hur. maybe that's what's repelling me. heh.

in any case, i'm happy with the people i have around me. very much content. i foresee people making their way into my life in the near future, but just not in a way i would be repelled towards.

like that made any sense, fie. *smacks forehead*

twilight

2008-12-12T23:40:00.005+08:00

something doesn't feel right. my mood plunged to the down side while i was making my way home after the movie. twilight was good, and i loved it. despite the fact that the start was quite a drag. but i loved it. edward cullen is gorgeous. and so are the rest of the characters, vampires or not. heh. oh, i swear that chinese guy in the movie looked like naufal. nyahah. ooh yes. i am smitten by twilight. heeho.

but that was it. as soon as i got on the train, i made a few calls. and not long after, it got me thinking. see, i told you my thoughts come rushing in at night, and when i'm alone. heh.

so it dawned upon me, what's up with birthdays? why the need to celebrate it? i used to think that people who don't celebrate 'em are those who are too serious and caught up with life that they forget the day they were brought into existence in this world. i always thought birthdays were special.

but today, i didn't feel that way. not anymore. i don't know why, but i'm starting to think that a birthday wish is enough to appreciate the person's existence in this world. i think it's enough to show that the person is special enough in other's life. like abg said, it's the thought that counts.

afterall, a birthday is just another day, isn't it? another day in the week, month, year of the calendar. heh.

fadie asked why i'm online on my birthday, and said that she thought i was going out. that's why she didn't ask me out. hur. somehow, that made me smile. though i don't know why. hee. and of course, i had a nice time chatting with her, talking about twilight *drools and melts* and some other gossips. hehe. ;p

but i still pretty much prefer my 18th last year. where i spent my day watching swan princess and headed out to SSDC to enrol for my license. and maybe then, i'd already started thinking that a birthday is just another day. but i guess i overlooked that thought and just dismissed it away. heh.

nah. don't think i'm gonna celebrate birthdays anymore. i've lost all birthday mood and spirit. heh. yeah, i know what you're gonna say, rusydi. loser. sheesh.

oh btw, do you know that you will die on the same day you were born? i, for example, was born on a Tuesday. so it means i'll die on a Tuesday. heee. cool right? haha. that's on crime night. i hope i'll die after watching CSI Miami. then that'd be a perfect death, so to quote Katsumoto in Last Samurai. khekhekhe.

don't forget the lyrics

2008-12-12T20:58:00.005+08:00

it's funny how we're able to catch lyrics of songs and memorise them in a matter of hours but when it comes to studying and facts, it's almost impossible for some of us. it takes days or weeks for us to be able to truly absorb the facts.

i don't know about you, but that's the way it works for me. songs and lyrics are wayyy easier for me. i wish studying was as easy as that.

and yes, by saying that, i screwed my marketing paper. probably an F grade for me. if i'm lucky, or she's kind enough, it'd be a D grade. though i wouldn't hope for that. heh.

it's about time

2008-12-10T17:59:00.005+08:00

and i finally managed to register for my NAPFA. wooo! anyway, i chose the latest available for me, which is on 30th Jan 09. so it means i have only a month and a half to train up. well, since it's my holidays next week, and i'm jobless, i guess i'm hitting california fitness most of the time next week. buat ape ade membership kalau tak pakai kan? heh. so who wants to tag along? teehee.

tempeh betul!

2008-12-09T23:17:00.005+08:00

u have no idea how pissed i am. today is the day i officially HATE soccer. because of the bloody AFF Suzuki Cup, my tuesday combo (crime night, baby!) is cancelled. which means there's NO CSI MIAMI. bloody hell. who the bloody hell cares abt soccer? especially when it's Singapore's match?! not like as if it's gonna be a hell of a good game anyway. pfft. kalau Brazil takpe jugak. HMPH!

i want my CSI!!! ARGHHHHH. *stomps feet* gerammmmm nyeeeee. GRRRR. eh, mcm nak bakar mediacorp la! really. i need my Horatio and Adam Rodriguez! brrrr.

if you were a kambing, i would have sembelih-ed you.

2008-12-08T04:33:00.006+08:00

if you could just use that fucking brain of yours, even for a moment, it'd be very much appreciated.

my pride. my glory.

2008-12-03T22:59:00.005+08:00

hari kemenangan buat ku. for the first time in my life, i managed to complete my 5 waktu solat. Alhamdulillah. rmmbr i mentioned this was one of the things i wanted to achieve before i die? so that's one down. now, i'm still trying to find a guru ngaji. i really want to khatam Quran.

but i'm thankful. and glad that i finally managed to complete 5 waktu solat fardhu. and i shall keep it that way. insyaallah. dengan kebesaran Allah, insyaallah boleh maintain. heee.

anyhoos, i was googling and this was what i found. READ!

Fast all nine days and especially fast the Day of 'Arafah The Prophet said:
.
"Anyone who fasts for one day for Allah's pleasure, Allah will keep his face away from the (Hell) fire for (a distance covered by a journey of) seventy years." (Bukhari, Muslim)
.
Just imagine.....if you fast these nine days (fasting on Eid is haraam), how far your distance will be from hell!
.
The Prophet used to fast on the ninth day of Dhu’l-Hijjah and he said: "Fasting the Day of 'Arafah (ninth Dhul-hijjah) is an expiation for (all the sins of) the previous year and an expiation for (all the sins of) the coming year." (Muslim)

source: http://hafiyyah.blogspot.com/2008/12/1st-december-2008.html

dan akan aku berpuasa sempena sunnah ini, dan untuk meraikan kemenanganku hari ini. weeee! oh btw, sorry for posting it soo late. hehe. there's still time yo! and do fast on SUNDAY (this sunday is the 9th of dhu'l-hijjah) okay? jom puasa ramai2! let us all beribadah! wooo!

okaysetgo!

because we are too afraid to face it, we brush it off.

2008-12-02T15:11:00.042+08:00

"Everyone knows they're going to die," he said again, "but nobody believes it. If we did, we would do things differently." - Morrie Schwartz, from the book "Tuesdays with Morrie" by Mitch Albom

I love this book. honestly. other than ''A Walk to Remember'', this is another book i've read over and over again. every chapter, every word, every bit. i just love it through and through.

come to think of it, have you ever given a thought to death? like, how you'll react to it, how you'll face it, or it'll happen to you? well, i have. i've even had this conversation with Wan, about death.

in fact, let me ask you this. given a choice, how would you want to die? from sickness, in an accident, commit suicide, in your sleep? if you ask me, i'd rule out commit suicide for obvious reasons. doing so just shows how much of a failure you are. sheesh.

accident? i hope not. sesungguhnya, aku ingin meninggal dgn sempurna. aku dilahirkan dgn sempurna, begitu juga lah aku ingin meninggal. dengan keadaan yg seadanya aku. begitu aku dilahir, begitu aku ingin meninggal. which is also why i ruled out suicide. because i want to die a pleasant death. i think it's what i fairly deserve after all, do i not? then again, who are we to judge what we deserve, no? but hey, i'm just saying. heh.

death from sickness? well, it depends how you look at it. some people consider it a burden, what with medical expenses and all. but, in a way, it prepares you, and knowing your days are numbered makes you treasure life and the people around you much more. just look at Morrie. perfect example. yes, it's painful, and you'll have to suffer. but as they say, "when life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life you have a thousand reasons to smile". life, is a two-way thing. whether you're happy or not, depends on how you face it, and if you accept it or not.

i rmmbr telling my dad i want to die in my sleep. it's a peaceful death. and my father said, "well, it's not exactly fair you know. because no one knows what is the cause of your death. i'd rather know what i'm dying from, than not knowing at all." kinda got me thinking. hmmm.

well, death is unpredictable anyway. so there's no telling how it's gonna happen. and i'm not passing statements here or anything. just saying, y'know.

that being said, here's another thought. what is it about death that you are afraid of? did that question ever cross your mind?

i rmmbr watching an old movie - black and white era or maybe zaman P.Ramlee. not too sure - where the plot was about Islam and an evil king who wanted to wipe out umat Islam, and there was this scene when a man said, "Islam tak takut mati." as a kid back then, i couldn't understand what it meant. but now i do.

personally, i don't think it's how i'm going to die that scares me. it's what happens when i'm dead that scares me. the part where the ultimate questions are being asked. and most importantly, will i be spared from seksaan kubur dan azab neraka? now, that thought is the one that scares the hell out of me.

actually, it's because i know that i've not been a good Muslim, and iman aku tak cukup kuat. di kubur, amalan kita yg menjawab pertanyaan kubur. amalan kita yg menentukan kalau kita hamba abdi yg patuh pada Allah atau tidak. amalan kita yg akan menentukan segala nya. i ain't gonna lie, but i'm afraid. takut pada seksaan kubur, takut pada azab neraka. dan, aku juga malu utk berhadapan dgn Allah, kerana gagal pada suruhanNya.

itulah yg aku takut. tidak, tidak takut pada mati. hanya takut pada persoalan dan balasan yg bakal ku terima. takut pada seksaan kubur, dan takut pada azab neraka Allah.

and maybe that's why i keep reminding myself. because by reminding myself, i'd remain fearful of Allah. and i'd be more religious in performing my prayers and menjalankan ibadah. in reminding myself of death, i'm reminding myself of Allah. sesuatu yg wajib - untuk sentiasa ingat kepada kewujudan Allah.

oh, and one last question. have you ever thought of life after death, selain dari seksaan kubur?

Alhamdulillah

2008-12-01T21:27:00.008+08:00

i told my mum abt the dream i had. of me being pregnant. from getting all freaked out, a smile eventually emerged at the end of the day; after hearing what she said about the dream.

dreams. it's especially weird what you make out of 'em. some people say dreams are normally the opposite of reality. which means what happens in your dreams, will not happen in real life. others say that mimpi itu permainan tido, so they just brush it off and not put a thought to it.

some dreams however, are considered a sign or omen. for example, according to folklore, kalau dipatuk ular, then tu tanda ade org nak masuk meminang, or something to do with jodoh.

likewise, my mum said mine was a sign too. according to orang tua-tua, kalau mimpi mengandung, tu tanda nya rezeki akan datang. tak semesti nya zuriat. tapi tetap rezeki. aku bersyukur, dan tanganku akan terbuka utk menerima rezeki dari Allah. akan ku tunggu dgn sabar.

as weird as it gets

2008-11-30T00:09:00.008+08:00

OH YES. before i forget, this is something i must share. last night, i had a very weird dream. and it felt sooo damn real, for a moment, i felt that was the turning point of my life.

of all the things in the world, i dreamt that i was pregnant! yes, pregnant! shocked? hell, i was scared out of my wits! and in that dream, i wasn't like 3 months pregnant. i was like 7 months pregnant. ish. seram gler geng.

the funny thing was, my baby was ermm... fatherless (!?!) - for lack of a better word. there was this part when i was being questioned and all, like as if i just found out that i was 3 months pregnant, padehal bunting aku dah cukup besar nak mampus. like i said, its size was 7 months worth of pregnancy. heh.

and i was very defensive about it, saying, "i myself don't know who the father is. adek tak buat pape langsung dgn sesiapa. then what you expect me to say? tiba2 i got pregnant. sumpah adek tak tipu. adek tak buat pape."

hey, don't ask me. i myself was stunned okay? heh. still a virgin, but got pregnant? ish.

the best thing was, i knew in that dream, that i had done nth wrong. so like the rest, i, too, was puzzled at how i got myself pregnant when i didn't have sex at all! i mean, tak logic kan?! unless you're talking about test-tube baby or if the sperms were injected (i don't know what that process is called) or something. sheesh. -.-

and because that dream was damn long, i honestly felt like it was really happening to me! astaghfirullah. the moment i woke up, i immediately serafal byk2, and the first thing i looked at was my tummy - to see if i really was pregnant!

i'm still feeling the goosebumps as i'm typing this down. oh man. talk about weird. sheesh. i hope i don't get any more of such dreams tonight. and the nights after, of course. scarrryyyyyy!

november rain

2008-11-29T22:01:00.016+08:00

i ve yet to recover from arwah farouk's death, and this had to happen. soo many accidents in the month of november. i'm getting phobic. first, it was arwah farouk. then i found out lee had an accident - two within 24 hours at that. yesterday i found out that zali kecik got himself into an accident too.

and today, it was my brother. alhamdulillah it's nth serious compared to the other time. haiz. no fractures this time. just swells and abrasions. and giddiness of course.

aish. motor tak serupa motor. and yes, his head hit the divider. which explains why his helmet's visor and specs broke. did a brain scan. alhamdulillah takde pape. but he's still feeling giddy though. hope for the best it doesn't get worst. heh. looks like i'll be a babysitter/nanny tonight. *sighs*

on a lighter note, amidst the tension and all, we had quite a number of laughters. mummy was telling meera about our childhood days and our antics. chet. rahsia semua terbongkar. hehe. paiseh tau. heee. and even then abg was still in the mood to joke, being the cheeky boy that he is. ish.

ouh, and there was one part he was telling us the plate number of the damned cab that hit him and the last alphabet was "T". this was how the conversation went.

abg: t, thailand.

me: huh? e, island? O.o *scratches head*

abg: t, thailand.

me: oh, aku dgr "e, island". seram jugak. aku ade lah terpikir kau okay ke tak okay. e island eh. *turns to look at meera*

meera: ah tu lah. tadi kepala dah terketuk kan.

both me & meera: *laughs*.

can't blame me okay? his speech wasn't that clear. like nenong gitu. really. tak bedek. heh. anyways, he only got 4 days worth of MC. sheesh.

BTW, i got to have a feel of 'owning' a credit card today - just for today only. hehehe. mum and me didn't have cash with us, so dad gave us his credit card to settle the bill. and because abg was 'discharged' from the observation ward at 7.30pm, and dad had to drive the taxi, i was the one who signed the credit card slip. weehooo. gerek pe. then at delifrance, we swiped the card again. hehe. tak kasi chance nye. ;p khekhekhe. and i got to sign it again. hehe. cool nak mampus okay? hahahaha.

well, that credit card was (initially) supposed to be mine. months ago, when the card came, my dad asked if i wanted or needed a credit card. according to him, he'd be using his standard chart card rather than the UOB Wave. so he wanted to authorise me the card, since there was no way he was gonna let mama or abg use it. see, even my dad knew the danger of that. heh. but i declined, because i told him i don't like to hutang people, especially the bank. heh. now i regret. i should have just agreed and used it to get myself a DSLR. *smacks forehead*

life is a game.play your cards right.

perhaps, the last.

the first step

when a push comes to a shove

the missing pieces

better than before

between the two

multi-purpose

you don't always have a choice

sorry seems to be the hardest word? really?

so says the nurse who studied psychology

thriller

pak mat tempeh kene langgar motor car!

it's no bargain.

dead end

a salutation, with love.

more Rives!

the only thing that fell into place!

brace me up

ted.com

break talk

you bet i didn't know

it's a sign

gravitational pull

intolerant

over-estimated

practice makes perfect.

it's not about what you get. it's about your fight.

anticipating a disappointment

that's what bestselling authors do.

truth unintended

school-sick

i told you so! *grins*

status quo

more than one thing can happen in a day

it doesn't feel like insomnia. IT IS.

mere coincidence, perhaps?

next in line

mirror image

told you i'm forever young! hehe.

trailers, like looks, can be deceiving.

roadtrip!

no longer the one

the old me's dead and gone.

the deaf and the dumb.

part of growing up? definitely not what i was hoping for.

change of heart

this memory lives within me for always

the curse of magnetic therapy

coz when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven.

reality check

he who's been my guidance when i was young.

goldinuniverse.com

tolerance

it's not even my birthday!

thanks ah eh fart series depan aku! pfft.

that's how much of a stubborn ass bitch i am

a momentary thought

helmet-less

forever is just an exaggeration

coz it's the number TWO yaw!

lost

just a precaution

this is how i learn

between the two

she who came into my life unexpectedly.

two in one.

talk about surprises.

on the contrary

i choose to keep mum

mumbo jumbo

a favour to ask.

talk about contradiction.

effie! =)

because it definitely means i'm much better than you are.

kudos for that.

pessimist is the word

your craziest aspiring deejay you could have

ponder this

first on the first day.

i told you so! grins